How to live to 120, according to Kim Jong-Il

Regular blood transfusions and five-year-olds doing "adorable" things aimed to help the North Korean dictator become the world's oldest man.

By living to 82, North Korea’s late dictator Kim Jong-Il outlived the average citizen by over 12 years, but his former doctor has revealed that the country’s mad autocrat had been hoping to make it to 120 and had tasked a research team to ensure that he became the world’s longest living man.

So, what were their recommendations for long life? According to Chosun, a South Korean newspaper, the research team decided that ensuring that Kim Jong-Il laughed regularly was essential. "We invited a stage actor to perform a comedy and got five- and six-year-olds to do adorable things,"  his former physician, Kim So-yeon, who defected to the South in the 1992 told Chosun.

Kim Jong-Il reportedly loved foreign films too, amassing a collection of 20,000 movies and professing a love for “Daffy Duck” – so who knows, perhaps a daily dose of Disney was also just what the doctors ordered.

He also received regular drug transfusions from younger men, his food intake was regularly recorded and his longevity research team researched the medicinal properties of 1,750 herbs.

Dr Kim hasn’t been put off by her patient’s failure to live to 120, and blames it to Kim Jong-Il’s “greed” rather than her method. His $700,000 a year cognac bill can't have helped boost his life expectancy. Nor can the fact that, according to his official biography on the North Korean state website, he didn't defecate. Although if you believe that, you believe that he was born under a double rainbow at the precise moment a new star was born.

Dr Kim’s published a book on her longevity research, so you, too, can try out the Kim Jong-Il diet. I’d rather not.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il with South Korean president Roh Moo-Hyun in 2004. Kim Jong-Il's diet was carefully monitored by his longevity team. Photo:Getty.

Sophie McBain is a freelance writer based in Cairo. She was previously an assistant editor at the New Statesman.

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“Trembling, shaking / Oh, my heart is aching”: the EU out campaign song will give you chills

But not in a good way.

You know the story. Some old guys with vague dreams of empire want Britain to leave the European Union. They’ve been kicking up such a big fuss over the past few years that the government is letting the public decide.

And what is it that sways a largely politically indifferent electorate? Strikes hope in their hearts for a mildly less bureaucratic yet dangerously human rights-free future? An anthem, of course!

Originally by Carly You’re so Vain Simon, this is the song the Leave.EU campaign (Nigel Farage’s chosen group) has chosen. It is performed by the singer Antonia Suñer, for whom freedom from the technofederalists couldn’t come any suñer.

Here are the lyrics, of which your mole has done a close reading. But essentially it’s just nature imagery with fascist undertones and some heartburn.

"Let the river run

"Let all the dreamers

"Wake the nation.

"Come, the new Jerusalem."

Don’t use a river metaphor in anything political, unless you actively want to evoke Enoch Powell. Also, Jerusalem? That’s a bit... strong, isn’t it? Heavy connotations of being a little bit too Englandy.

"Silver cities rise,

"The morning lights,

"The streets that meet them,

"And sirens call them on

"With a song."

Sirens and streets. Doesn’t sound like a wholly un-authoritarian view of the UK’s EU-free future to me.

"It’s asking for the taking,

"Trembling, shaking,

"Oh, my heart is aching."

A reference to the elderly nature of many of the UK’s eurosceptics, perhaps?

"We’re coming to the edge,

"Running on the water,

"Coming through the fog,

"Your sons and daughters."

I feel like this is something to do with the hosepipe ban.

"We the great and small,

"Stand on a star,

"And blaze a trail of desire,

"Through the dark’ning dawn."

Everyone will have to speak this kind of English in the new Jerusalem, m'lady, oft with shorten’d words which will leave you feeling cringéd.

"It’s asking for the taking.

"Come run with me now,

"The sky is the colour of blue,

"You’ve never even seen,

"In the eyes of your lover."

I think this means: no one has ever loved anyone with the same colour eyes as the EU flag.

I'm a mole, innit.