Dave’s warning to the Chancer

Ed Miliband's office instructed stewards on the doors of a trade union reception to bar the press. Perhaps the Labour leader feared a repeat of that unpleasantness at the Trades Union Congress conference when he was booed and hissed by the brothers and sisters. Maybe Brother Ed wanted to avoid the meeja hearing him use the daring C-word: "comrade". Or it could have been that risqué joke about Nick "30 Belt Notches" Cleggover screwing the country. This column's legman heard the C-word and the gag. Both went down well, apparently.

The Hillsborough tragedy and Kelvin MacKenzie's heinous “the truth" slur on football fans remain raw in Liverpool, 22 years on. Labour MPs,
freed from their fear of Rupert Murdoch, turned out in force at a "Don't buy the Sun" gig on the eve of the party's conference. My snout spied Luciana Berger, Kevin Brennan, Dave Anderson, Steve Rotherham and "Tommy Gun" Watson. Dirty-Digger-baiting Tommy Gun's status as a political celebrity was confirmed when Mick Jones, punk legend of the Clash, asked if he could be photographed with him. The MP should adopt one of the band's hit singles as his theme song: "Tommy Gun".

The self-styled people's peer Baron (Maurice) Glasman of Stoke Newington, founder of Blue Labour and temperamental guru of Miliband, is fond of regaling interviewers with how poor he was. One of this column's sources was reading such a piece while in the first-class carriage of a Virgin train from London to Liverpool, when he looked up and noticed Baron Hard-Up sitting across the aisle. Nothing's too good for the workers, eh, noble lord?

George Osborne, I gather, is now blaming his old chum and Downing Street neighbour Dave for the embarrassing W*****gate episode at the GQ awards. The Chancer of the Exchequer complains that Cameron put the wind up him by warning that he needed to tell a quick joke, then get off the stage fast, before the inebriated audience realised he was a Tory and started booing. In the event, they booed, mused my informant, because: "Ozzy wasn't just a Tory but a Tory w****r."

Better late than never, I found out that Brother Ed had popped out with his wife, Justine, to the Lord Palmerston pub in the Dartmouth Park deck-shoe enclave of north London, where the couple reside - without advance spin, alerting snappers or post-booze briefings. Mondeo Man and Worcester Woman fancied a half of Strongbow and a Tizer. A worried drinker spluttered that Miliband might be a little more normal than he looks.

The things you hear about MPs at conferences: Labour's Erith and Thamesmead MP, Teresa Pearce, competed in the late 1980s with her family on the BBC1 game show Telly Addicts. The host, Noel Edmonds, booted off the Pearces when they failed to answer the question: "Who is Dicky Mint?" How life might have turned out differently if they'd known Mr Mint was one of Ken Dodd's Diddy Men.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

Kevin Maguire is Associate Editor (Politics) on the Daily Mirror and author of our Commons Confidential column on the high politics and low life in Westminster. An award-winning journalist, he is in frequent demand on television and radio and co-authored a book on great parliamentary scandals. He was formerly Chief Reporter on the Guardian and Labour Correspondent on the Daily Telegraph.

This article first appeared in the 03 October 2011 issue of the New Statesman, Which Tories is it ok to love?