The Sassenach conspiracy

As the Sunday Times Rich List appeared, there was jubilation in all the B'Stard households as my superinjunction once again prevented my good name being sullied by association with Rupert's vulgar catalogue of the nouveau riche. What right have the readers of that outsized tabloid to know the full extent of my fortune? (I don't mind you knowing the truth - there are so few of you, and you have such little influence.)

However, despite my billions, I still get a thrill from beating the bookmaker. Just recently I bet £1,000 at 150-1 on Obama's birth certificate and Osama's death certificate being published in the same week. Feeling lucky, I then put a whole 150 grand at 10-1 on Alex Salmond to gain an overall majority in the Scottish Assembly elections.

Obviously, all these wagers were made in the light of inside knowledge; Hillary always keeps me abreast of what's going down at the White House. I suppose she still has fond memories of the comfort I gave her during that difficult time in her marriage when Bill was preoccupied with tracking down Monica Lewinsky's dry-cleaning.

As for the SNP's stunning victory north of the border, it may have surprised London-based hacks, but not me. Essentially, Scotland is a backward and impoverished country, full of malnourished, pasty-faced proles - in other words, the natural Labour voters abandoned by Blair. Salmond simply wooed them with a few populist bribes, such as the abolition of prescription charges, and subsidies to the Mars Bar frying industry. That's why he now looks less like the cat that got the cream, and more like the wolf that ate the opposition.

I'm not the only high-flying Conservative secretly celebrating the SNP landslide. Dave C was so thrilled, it was all I could do to stop him streaking up Downing Street - for the foundation was laid last weekend for a century of uninterrupted Tory rule. "How so?" you ask. Let me explain.

We all know that an independent Scotland would deny Labour at least 40 MPs at Westminster, condemning them to almost perpetual opposition. What you don't know is that the Prime Minister's declaration that he will fight to the last to prevent a Scottish breakaway was designed specifically to goad said Picts into voting for independence.

Labour's only possible route back to power in a Scot-cleansed parliament would be through coalition. But with whom? They've fallen out with the Lib Dems, to the extent that Wallace Miliband wouldn't even share a platform with poor Cleggy. They could make common cause with the Welsh Nationalists, but no doubt the Taffs will soon follow the SNP out of the Union and into the third world. That leaves just the Greens - sorry, the Green - and Sinn Fein, who refuse to take their seats, although they have no moral objection to taking their salaries.

One-party states may be under threat throughout the Middle East, but it looks like we might be getting a new one here.