Is David Cameron the first male prime minister to blow-dry his locks? These days, in No 10, the hairdryer treatment isn't merely a bollocking for Andrew Lansley. It's also the high-pitched whine of the people's toff concealing that spreading bald patch. Citizen Dave, my snout whispered,
spends up to 15 minutes using a hairdryer on the greatest cover-up in politics. The snout reckons Dave's surviving strands would reach his shoulders before the PM weaves them into a thatch. Talking of the country's sole female leader, it leaves Cameron not the heir to Blair but the hair of Thatcher. The Rusty Lady was proud to own a hairdryer.
That Call Me Dave will retain his faithful deputy, Nick Clegg, as a whipping boy, no matter what, is a notion that has been gaining currency since this column first repeated the Tory chatter many moons ago. The AV defenestration has ended Clogg's constitutional dreams but Lib Dems mutter that this isn't necessarily bad news. Suddenly, an elected House of Lords isn't a priority for MPs, who'll be queuing for ermine after another massacre at the polls.
Michael Foot may return to Westminster. The Parliamentary Labour Party wants the House authorities to commission a bust of its former leader. Footie, who died last year, aged 96, was a great parliamentarian and deserves the honour. A bust would get round a tricky dilemma: with or without the donkey jacket?
Lefty MPs protest that Foot would be turning in his grave, had he not been cremated: Aslef train drivers are denying his beloved Tribune a ticket to ride, ahead of the Labour weekly's 75th anniversary in 2012. The union, landlord of the magazine, told Tribune that it won't be aboard when Aslef departs its Hampstead home for Clerkenwell. If the new building is haunted by a ghostly, white-haired figure with a walking stick, Aslef will know who he is.
Keith Vaz's appetite for shameless self-promotion is insatiable. The boastful chair of the Commons home affairs select committee issued a statement supporting Jon Ashworth, who then romped home in the Leicester South by-election on 5 May. Vaz describes himself as "Leicester's most senior MP" - but this isn't as impressive as it first sounds. His only rival in the East Midlands city is a 2010 new girl, Liz Kendall. Colleagues wouldn't put it past him to insist that they address him as "the most important" Vaz when he's with his MP sister, Valerie.
Recriminations rumble after the odd AV alliances, including the one-time communist John Reid's decision to share a platform with Cameron.
The appearance by the Labour peer and Celtic chair alongside Dave hasn't gone down well in Scotland - not just because the PM is a Conservative (though that wasn't popular). The tricky thing is that Cameron heads the Conservative and Unionist Party.
The cattle-class Tory Gary Streeter admits that he wanders into first class to nick a free copy of the Times on journeys between London and Devon. A Labour MP says he gets the Daily Star. If he reads every page, it lasts both Tube stops.