Something Wiki this way comes

I don't speak very much Hawaiian. I like to break "taboos", I can't abide the "ukulele", and that's about it. But I do know that "wiki" is Hawaiian for fast, because when I was in Honolulu, two or three extremely wiki young ladies offered me a lei. But, as they say, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, so when the pipes burst in the staff cottage during last week's cold snap, I contacted WikiLeaks in the assumption that they were some sort of emergency plumbing operation.

To be fair, they sent someone round right away - a strange, pale young man who introduced himself as Julian Assange, as if I care what my plumber's called. I showed him the flood, gave him my credit card details, and next day my financial particulars were all over the Guardian. Mr Assange is now in hiding, in fear of his life, while John and Pauline Prescott, the live-in couple who look after me, have drowned. Thank you very much, WikiLeaks.

You're probably wondering how the WikiLeaks phenomenon passed me by. In my defence, I've been tied up securing the 2022 World Cup finals for my friends in Qatar. It wasn't easy - not only is Qatar the hottest place on earth, and almost devoid of footballers, it is also named after an unfortunate nasal condition. I had to cajole and inspire the Fifa councillors to obtain their votes. It would have been much easier to bribe them, but as we all know, Fifa councillors cannot be bought - although one or two can be leased.

Furthermore, until now, WikiLeaks had given me a wide berth. They were well aware that I am probably the second most dangerous person to cross on the whole planet, after Vladimir Putin. Talking of Tsar Vladimir brings us up against WikiLeaks's wiki-weakness. While western governments spew out secrets, people in Russia keep their mouths shut, to avoid coming over all dead. Mr Putin exposes more of himself during his holiday photocalls than any Russian journalists have ever managed.

WikiLeaks flourish in countries where the press is not afraid to disseminate their bulletins. No Russian paper would dare print that their PM personally ordered the . . . I could finish the sentence, but Vladimir knows where I live.

On the other hand, nobody can deny that Putin is an impressive world leader who knows how to get what he wants. In this country, however, the Wikiculture of exposure, condemnation and recrimination means that people of stature no longer have any incentive to participate in public life. The hours are long, the pay is lousy and students put shit through your letter box.

Some people think that a world without secrets is a fine, brave place. But I say a land in which the governor of the Bank of England can't slag off the next chancellor of the Exchequer with impunity is a land without hope.

As told to Marks and Gran

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