Ed Miliband's sleepless nights aren't solely down to a new baby son. The Labour leader is frantically searching for staff to run his office. The team who won him the post were put on eight-week contracts that are about to expire. High on his wish list is a new spin doctor, as the flame-haired Katie Myler is leaving for the lucrative world of commercial PR. Tony Blair and David Cameron hired the newspapermen Alastair Campbell and Andy Coulson, but Ed Mili wants a broadcaster to make him look good on the box. Given that Red Ed denounces every union strike, a disgruntled Labour left-winger suggested he try the Today presenters Evan Davis and Sarah Montague, after both broke the BBC strike.
Senior Tories wonder if the pressure of all those phone-hacking allegations is shaking the judgement of Andy "I Knew Nothing" Coulson. It transpires the No 10 man made a poor call when Boris Johnson was reported to have fathered a child with a woman who wasn't his wife.
Coulson advised the Libido of London to tell all. BoJo instead heeded the City Hall spinner Guto Harri, who told him to say as little as possible, even when the Daily Mail published a photo of a mop-haired boy. Harri kept the tale off the airwaves, while Coulson's strategy would have guaranteed wall-to-wall coverage à la room-sharer William Hague.
The KGB has an office in Norman Shaw North. An eagle-eyed reader spotted the sign on a door on the way to a secret assignation of his own. Further inquiries by your correspondent discovered that the KGB in question is not the old Russian security service, but a firm of contract cleaners. I recall Cameron speculating a few years ago on Desert Island Discs how the KGB may have tried to recruit him during a gap year between Eton and Oxford. Perhaps Citizen Dave mixed up his KGBs, the people's toff missing an opportunity to clean up politics with a mop and bucket.
The Queen has joined Facebook but I hear she's drawn the line at Twitter. The Rt Hon @DavidLammy, MP for Hip Central, advised Her Maj
to deliver the Queen's Speech in 140 characters during small talk at a Privy Council meeting. An informant recalls Betty looked at the then minister as if he were a footman who'd just suggested replacing the corgis with a designer cockapoo. So Buck House will continue using @BritishMonarchy for court circulars, but there'll be no @QueenLiz informing subjects what Prince Philip thinks of Ann Widdecombe on Strictly.
Pulled up at the starting gate is Jennie Lee. A Westminster racing syndicate, including the tipster MPs Alan Meale and Tony Cunningham, hopes to commemorate the Labour creator of the Open University (and wife of Nye Bevan) by naming its new horse in her honour. The moniker is similar to the previously registered nag Jenny Lee, so the turf authorities are holding an inquiry. Should Jennie Lee be ruled a non-starter, the mare will be called Fashion Stakes: a socialist feminist replaced by a catwalk queen.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror