The former SAS officer Andrew "Two Chauffeurs" Robathan is going undercover. The veterans minister has received heavy flak for taking one official car to attend a ceremony in France - while a second waited at Dover to whisk him home to Leicestershire. His cunning disguise is a cycle helmet, but Robobiker didn't look happy when he was forced to wobble to a halt at a set of Westminster traffic lights to let the former Labour defence minister, Tommy "Two Dinners" Watson, cross the road outside the House of Commons. Two Dinners recognised Two Chauffeurs; Watson's cheery wave, I hear, was not returned by the scowling trained killer in the bombproof bicycle clips.

Ed Miliband, Labour leadership wannabe, has been advised to get married by the spinner Charlie Whelan, who told the fresh-faced junior Milibrother it would help his chances to appear lived-in. The pair toiled together at the Treasury during the early part of Gordon Brown's chancellorship. Whelan learned to play Cupid back then, telling Big Gordie he needed to marry Sarah, and arranging for the pair to be photographed by the News of the World enjoying a romantic candlelit dinner. The couple had to be snapped twice: Brown grimaced in the first picture.

Penny Mordaunt, MP for Portsmouth North, is more Tory gunboat than Cameron cutie. One of the new intake, Mordaunt revealed in her maiden speech that she was named after HMS Penelope, a Second World War cruiser. And the Pompey lass is full of fighting talk. According to HMS Penny, Sarah McCarthy-Fry, the sitting Labour member she defeated, has taken "a job that most British people would not have touched": running Ed Balls's leadership campaign.

Sky News has solved the problem of protesters who disrupt its broadcasts from College Green outside the Mock Gothic Fun Palace by yelling anti-Murdoch abuse. The station simply raised its platform. Anyone trying to get up there uninvited should prepare for Adam Boulton's retaliation - especially if they happen to be Alastair "Remember Me" Campbell.

Uncomradely backbiting on the Labour left, where Diane Abbott stands accused of selfishness. The Islington MP Jeremy Corbyn nominated her for the leadership but she didn't return the favour when he ran - unsuccessfully, as it turned out - for the foreign affairs select committee. She was "too busy" to vote for Corbyn.

The justice minister Crispin Blunt has ruled shouting at soldiers a criminal offence. But he also says that "they need no special protection". Quite. You would need to be very brave or very drunk to verbal a squaddie fresh from taking on the Taliban.

The Vatman, "Sir" George Osborne, is either pulling his hair out or going bald. The poster boy for fiscal masochists, aged 39, is thinning on top. I can see from the Press Gallery that the trust-fund Tory's thatch isn't as rich as it was. The reduction isn't yet 25 per cent - but by the end of the parliament, who knows?

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror