To Congress House, where Labour's not-so-famous five flunked a "real-life" test at the Unite hustings. David Miliband put the value of Jobseeker's Allowance at £100 a week (it's £65.45), Ed Balls thought a single person's pension was £120 (£97.65), and Andy Burnham believed child benefit for a firstborn was £28 (it's £20.30). And if Ed Miliband's TV licence costs £100, then he's getting special treatment, because everyone else's is £145.50. If payments were as high - and costs as low - as ex-cabinet ministers think, Labour might have won the election. Diane Abbott knew a London bus ride is £2. But did she know it before the fuss over her £1,100 taxi fares claim?

Cameron's enforcer, the well-fed Patrick McLoughlin, and his merry band of Tory whips were in boisterous mood during a recent outing to the Gay Hussar, a lefty Soho haunt. The whips apparently spent much of the evening in an upstairs room, stamping their feet and banging tables. My snout, slurping chilled cherry soup downstairs, feared the ceiling would collapse. Lingering outside the door of the private room, he overheard juniors addressing McLoughlin as "chief" and toasting the future. Old school habits evidently die hard in parts of Dandruff Dave's party.

Gordon Brown remains stubbornly resistant to the Talibrown veterans urging him to appear in public as proof that he hasn't gone mad. Rejecting an invitation on to the Terrace for a very public half of lager, Big Gordie replied that he'd had his fill of PR stunts during the election. Said Big Gordie: "I'd rather they think I was sectioned in an Edinburgh mental institution than do anything like that."

I bring you rare news of James Purnell, adopting a low profile these days after failing to take Brown with him when he stormed out of the Labour government last summer. An informant mutters that Purnell had put his hat in the ring for the job of running Save the Children. The self-retired former cabinet minister was beaten by Justin Forsyth, a special adviser to Brown at No 10. I hear the ex-PM smiled briefly when told.

The funereal Lib Dem Vince Cable, whose tortured face betrays what much of his party feels, is to speak at September's TUC in Liverpool. The imminent arrival of a Baby Cam may prove a convenient excuse for Dandruff Dave to decline an invitation. Probably just as well. Never one to miss an opportunity for a protest, Bob Crow, the human locomotive, is vowing to lead a walkout if he comes, while Unison's Dave Prentis intends to go one better, organising a boycott of public servants so Cameron wouldn't glimpse an audience. A 360-mile round trip to address an empty hall probably isn't the most appealing offer the people's toff has ever had.

Lord Sassoon of Merchant Banking, Labour-adviser-turned Con-Dem-Treasury-minister, isn't letting austerity interrupt play. On the day departments were due to submit cuts of up to 40 per cent, he put on his MCC tie to watch the cricket at Lord's.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror.