Yvonne Fovargue, one of Westminster's new girls, has already learned how dangerous the Commons chamber can be. During her maiden speech, the Makerfield MP felt a sudden, sharp pain in her head. She was momentarily flustered, but continued womanfully. The Labour Mensa member soon solved the mystery: as she sat down, a wasp-like insect fell from her locks. The place is buzzing with critters. Waspish comments from Tories are less menacing than the real thing.

Westminster's pest problems was stung again praising her vertically challenged predecessor Ian McCartney, who was knighted in the Brown resignation list. Locally, five-feet-nothing Sir Big Mac has been dubbed the Shortest Knight of the Year.

Another new girl learning to cope with beasties is the chick-lit author and so-called Cameron cutie Louise Bagshawe. The woman behind the saucily titled novels Desire, Passion and Venus Envy is finding the green benches an uncomfortable place for a short skirt. Labour ladies note that Bagshawe, surrounded by Neanderthals, has started placing an order paper on her thighs to protect her modesty. Down, Tory boys!

Few organs are as scathing about "elf and safety" as Richard Desmond's Daily Express. So a string of frothing emails from Martin Ellice, one of his henchmen, caused bemusement at City Hall. Dirty Des is greatly exercised by Boris Johnson's decision to instal a rent-a-bike rack outside the Depress HQ. Ellice's argument is that the rack presents "a serious health and safety risk". With Dirty Des, it's do as I say, not do as I publish.

Boris's little bruvver Jo is showing great promise as a mini-bumbler. Following this column's disclosure that he'd filled his petrol-driven jalopy with diesel, a snout observed the whips carpeting the Orpington Tory. Junior Johnson was dragged from the Labour Noes into the Con-Dem Ayes after wandering into the wrong lobby.

Labour's wannabe leader David Miliband needs some new lines if he is to shake off his geeky image. Trade unionists were left scratching their heads when Mili Major declared: "I stand for authenticity, not triangulation." Most support Ed Miliband, as he speaks a language they understand: human.

TUC sisters were upset by an advert created by the macho Aslef union, asking what women have to complain about, when they make up 50 per cent of voters and 20 per cent of MPs are female. Aslef insists the ad was ironic. The TUC equality chief Sarah Veale has chided Aslef for wording that was "ambivalent and might be misconstrued, especially in non-English-speaking countries". But the bruvvers are unrepentant, maintaining that non-English speakers would be unable to read the disputed words anyway.

One of the most unlikely claims you'll ever hear - Neil Kinnock, once described as "the Welsh windbag", has been telling the Fabians: "I don't actually like talking." I suppose the TV pundit Piers Morgan doesn't like publicity, either.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror