"Sir" George Osborne's public profile is close to zero after David Cameron sensibly locked the shadow chancellor in Tory Towers to avoid frightening the horses. Even the Conservative Party's security guards don't recognise him. Returning from a rare foray into the outside world, and having forgotten his security pass, an affronted Boy George was challenged to produce someone to vouch for him. Poor Pasty Face spluttered that he was running the campaign (a double-edged boast) and was finally granted entry when a guard remembered him. The bad news for Ozzie is even worse for Chris Grayling: the sentinel thought he was the shadow home secretary.
Gordon Brown's handlers are relieved his "bigoted woman" comment about Gillian Duffy was the one that got out. An aide muttered that Brown had used more colourful language after previous encounters and that often, in private, every other word is a curse. Broon probably isn't ready to embrace his meeting with the Rochdale pensioner as a mark of success for Labour's redistribution. But his team has been quipping that Duffy popped out for a loaf and came back £80,000 richer after selling her story.
David Cameron's soft ride from the media has had the hack pack accompanying him on his royal tour. I've always had the Buller Boy down as a Waitrose man, but his handlers took him to Asda to show he's a toff of the people. The Thirty Million Man told the assembled throng that he knew hard-pressed families were watching their spending after the Labour recession, and that "every little helps". The phrase is, need I say, Tesco's slogan, not Asda's. Had it been Brown's gaffe, there would have been headlines. Cameron's slip received barely a mention.
Gollum-like Michael Gove interrupted hacks watching the third leaders' debate in Birmingham by applauding his boss. The one-time journo flanted his credentials as a fully paid-up Cameroon, his lips moving silently in sync with his leader's rehearsed spontaneity.
Peter Mandelson has frozen Brown's closest ally, Ed Balls, out of Labour's campaign. Now another of Broon's lifers, Dougie Alexander, has thrown his lot in with the lord. The Talibrown mutter Mandy isn't fighting the general election, but the election of David Miliband as Labour leader. Things may get nasty.
Voters in south-east London opened their British Gas leaflets to find flyers from the BNP tucked inside. The two bits of junk mail had been pushed through letter boxes together. British Gas was furious - and the BNP will be, too. Most of the delivery team was Polish.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror.