Who will hang the hangers-on? Well, me, given half a chance. And the first person to be frogmarched to the gallows under a Donald dictatorship would be the asinine Colonel Fawn. We could not have made it plainer to those who travel with us that there should be no counting of chickens. The cat is in the bag and we are zipping our lips. Except, of course, for the imbecilic editor of GQ (it's not for Gentlemen; it isn't Quarterly; what is its point?), who prints a list of the most powerful people in Britain featuring Dave at No 1; Little George at No 4; Chris Grayling (?) at 15; Ed Vaizey (?) at 19; and Ann Widdecombe (!) at 24 for "redefining compassionate conservatism".
Forgive me, Colonel, but have I missed a coup? Is it really your belief that Osborne has more power than Murdoch? Do you honestly think Chris "AC/DC" Grayling is more influential than Alistair Darling and the Prince of Wales combined?
Or is this a piece of crawling of such grandiosity, Fawn, that even the notoriously flatterable Dave'n' George will see through it? I fear so. Consider your chances of a safe seat, Colonel, to be zilched. You will not be the first magazine editor to make a splash on the political stage. At present, the Daily Sport's David Sullivan has more chance.
Second to the scaffold would be Clarkson. Dave confuses people who went to minor public schools with real people, when anyone of his breeding should know that real people are far more real than people who went to minor public schools.
Clarkson is not Everyman but Reptonman. And he has shown his lack of class again by demanding that Peter Mandelson "be tied to the front of a van and driven around the country until he isn't alive any more" - Peter's crimes being his "one-man war on the bright and the witty and the successful" (which has meant that half Clarkson's friends are thinking of emigrating) and "wearing extremely pale blue jeans".
I might add a few facts. First, I have met Clarkson's friends: they are neither bright nor witty nor, by conventional criteria, successful. I have met more entertaining 4x4s. Second, one of the first things the new administration will do is offer Mandelson a job, so it would be helpful if he were alive to take it up. Finally, I have in my possession a photo of Clarkson and Mandelson "unwinding" on a yacht. It isn't Peter who is wearing the extremely pale blue jeans.
Next week: Fran Reddington
