For a more spicy taste try Dutch chicory

The overshadowed chancellor "Sir" George Osborne's decline from feared operator to Ken Clarke's tea boy continues apace. Between the Bullingdon Club and Tory Central Office, this baronet's son tried his hand at scribbling. Tickling the Labour benches (and a fair few on the Tory side) is a cutting from the Times circa 1993. "The festive season is well under way in the supermarkets," wrote a George Osborne, "and they are offering many bargains." Quite so.

Labour lodger Jacqui Smith denies mischievous if persistent speculation that she is plotting to fly marginal Redditch for a safer berth. Less punctilious is the party's standard-bearer in Woking. Eager Marianne Alapini, selected in the Tory-held Surrey seat some 18 months ago, announced she's resigned to throw her hat in the ring for the red piece of sarf-east London that is Erith and Thamesmead. To flap on the chicken run before hatching as an MP is surely a triumph of ambition over loyalty.

"Dover sole is excellent value from £4.50 a pound," added George Osborne. "Cheap white fish is plentiful and ideal for use in pies or stews. Hake is still recommended at £2 a pound."

Either great minds think alike or fools seldom differ, as Jacob Rees-Mogg is accused of copying unattributed chunks of the Sun hack Trevor Kavanagh's anti-Labour diatribes for Tory leaflets in Somerset. Young Rees-Mogg hopes to join Druggie Dave's Brigade of Old Etonians. He must have learned something at his posh school, apparently steering clear of Daddy Mystic Mogg's inaccurate predictions.

"Spring green cabbages," went on George Osborne, "are being harvested in the milder growing areas of Cornwall and Kent and are priced at 20p-40p a pound."

My snout was intrigued to watch the Supreme Leader ignore a Prince of Darkness whispering in his ear, in order to embrace John Prescott outside Monday night's meeting of the PLP. The pained expression on Mandy's face as he watched Brown's arm clasp the shoulders of Prezza, insisted the snout, sent a message that the PM regards selling the Royal Mail as more trouble than it's worth.

"For a more spicy taste," suggested George Osborne, "choose varieties such as Savoy and Celtic, priced at 30p-45p a pound. English and Dutch chicory are good value at 90p-£1.50 a pound."

Nick Clegg-over naming his newborn third son Miguel indicates that the leader of the yellow peril is unaware that his rebellious MPs call him Manuel, as in: "I know nothing!"

Memo to George Osborne: However bad it all gets, stick to politics.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

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