All the gossip from the Westminster Village

Dobbo's briefs encounter

Highbrow Siôn Simon nervously practised for hours when ordered to chuck a few arrows against the self-styled king of darts Bobby George. He prefers the opera to the oche and his visit to the World Championship at Lakeside in Surrey, devised to allow the minister for counting to extol the relevance of numeracy, overlooked one thing: a short-sightedness so severe that Simon couldn't hit a barn door, let alone the bull. Mercifully he was spared the jeers of a boozed-up crowd when George cried off with a bad throwing arm. The undefeated minister, I'm told, celebrated by listening to Bach.

Shoot-from-the-lip Frank Dobson was left gobsmacked by matronly Ann Keen, the government's answer to Florence Nightingale. Hobbling Dobbo, the member for Chattering Central, failed to enjoy the last word in an encounter with the health minister, who emptied a fair few bedpans when she worked in the NHS. Dobbo explained he was suffering a groin injury when he limped into the lobby. "We older nurses," replied Keen sweetly, "have been trained to deal with patients like you." Dobbo's spluttering could be heard long after he and his stick had disappeared around a corner.

Speaker Metal Mickey can no longer depend on the support of the Unite union chief Derek Simpson. Del Boy has regularly jumped to the sheet-metal worker's defence, claiming his esteemed member is a victim of snobbery. Not so. He may be a victim of snobbery but he's not a member of the union - a bruvver checking the records discovered Mickey left in 1997.

Heads are being scratched over the identity of a Conservative cyclist who insists security staff lower the car barrier immediately when he freewheels into the Commons. A uniformed attendant was overheard complaining to the Wakefield pedaller Mary Creagh,when she got off to push her bike through a gap, that this Tory MP enjoyed watching staff jump to attention. Cyclist? Tory? Self-important? Who could that be?

Druggie Dave's tendency to bray in public prompted an informant to report that the Tory leader's volume turned heads outside Dentons toyshop in Witney High Street. I trust Cameron's young child received whatever it was they were loudly instructed to wait for. The store, incidentally, sells bicycles. A coincidence unrelated to this column's previous item.

A curious case of the silent complaints after a snout confused Colin Byrne (lobbyist) with Liam Byrne (cabinet espresso machine). LB, not CB as your correspondent inaccurately asserted before Christmas, attends secret weekly sessions at No 10 that have a whiff of an election team. My inconsolable snout suggested one Byrne found his inclusion good for business while the other Byrne couldn't bear to admit he goes to meetings chaired by Ed Balls.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

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