From: The Unit To: GB Subject: The speech of your life

So, pretty good week. Seems like the team's briefings have succeeded in nudging people towards a numb, grudging and fatalistic acceptance of your premiership. Something of a victory for us - though we would be too modest to crow!

While the work on the new communications and control structure is progressing well, we do have just a couple of personnel queries we wondered if you might be able to help with?

There's a person in the green annexe who is under the impression he's drafting the manifesto. He is known to the security staff as "Frank the Plank", but was unwilling to confirm to us his name or nationality. Has he been officially tasked with this or any other duty?

Also there are six people in an "online attack pod" on the mezzanine who have received no direct instructions as regards their duties since "before the last X Factor". They claim not to know who their line manager is, having been hired by a man they know only as "Ken". Shall we fire them?

Anyway, as regards the Speech of Your Life, great to be let off the leash to think the unthinkable in this regard. See what you think, but if the below seem outlandish, remember: No Lectern, No Tie, Mariella - these too were once just mad, crazy dreams.

The Eye of the Tiger

One pitch is that you dispense with political matters completely but come on and speak in solemn fashion and in their entirety the lyrics of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. As you'll no doubt remember, they begin: "Risin' up, back on the street/Did my time, took my chances/Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet/Just a man and his will to survive." But become even more moving subsequently.

The Stare-Out

You come on. The ovation dies down. You stare down the cameras. The silence becomes overwhelming. All-consuming. Unbearable. But you just keep on staring, resolutely, proudly, a little humbly, but unbowed, uncowed, unbeaten. Eventually you march off again, in silence. In triumph.

A lot of crying

Think as discussed you should definitely cry at least once. This is pretty much definite. But what about really quite a lot of crying? Come on crying. Break down maybe five or six times, having to leave more than once and come back on supported by nice people like Hilary Benn and Estelle Morris?

Human Pyramid

You deliver the speech from atop a human pyramid of your cabinet colleagues. This is just a brainstorm. Great image, very resonant. Not practical in reality. But maybe a watered-down version might be powerful? You speak from Straw/Darling's shoulders?

Let us know your thoughts.

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