UK Politics
Hezzaband in Manchester
Published 25 September 2008
Curses in Brownsville while the Buller mystery unfolds
To Manchester and Brownsville where an inability to deliver a speech wasn't the only vote loser for that other prime minister, David "Hezza" Miliband. His timekeeping made Virgin Trains appear punctual. Hezzaband committed the cardinal sin of turning up 40 minutes late for a photo session with wannabe MPs, and MPs fidgeting impatiently to be snapped with the man they thought might, when they started queuing, be leader one day. Cue grumblings about rudeness. Hezzaband's entourage was prime-ministerial in scale. When they swept into the Midland Hotel, Unite union bard Derek "Del" Simpson was nearly trampled in the rush. Hezzaband backtracked to greet Simpson, who was in a far from comradely mood and, I swear, uttered a curse.
Back in London I heard a shout of "Oi" as I strolled through the gates of the Mock Gothic Fun Palace. There before me were Druggie Dave and George "Oik" Osborne giggling like a couple of Buller boys. I'm uncertain which of the pair uttered the greeting, though my pound's on the cheekier Boy George. Cameron was on two wheels and I must say he's an old pro. Druggie Dave immediately started to remove his helmet the moment I produced a camera phone. Clearly once a PR man, always a PR man. When I informed him that I was only joking, Cameron spun away with no sign of a chauffeur following behind with his comfortable shoes.
Rewinding to Manchester where Labour's Des Lynam lookalike, twinkle-eyed Larry Whitty, yearned to be his age. The party's former chief bureaucrat was threatened with the long arm of the law when twice stopped at Brownsville's security gate. Asked his date of birth, Baron Whitty of Pensionable Age correctly answered 1943. The computer said "no". Labour's database wrongly recorded him as a child of 1963. Warned it was three strikes and out of the conference, overnight he became a spring chicken. And to think most MPs knock years off their age.
Returning to London, your correspondent's unexpected encounter with the Tory chaps resolved the mystery of George Osborne's Buller rig. I informed him I had something important to ask. It could have been about HBOS or short-selling. It wasn't, of course, yet before I could convey what was on my mind, Boy George interjected: "I borrowed it." So Cameron hired, Osborne borrowed. That leaves only the whereabouts of Boris Johnson's Edwardian tailcoat unaccounted for. I must remember to ask.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the "Daily Mirror"
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