UK Politics
Tactical Briefing
Published 14 August 2008
From: The Unit
To: GB
Subject: Reshuffle
So, pretty good week. Incredibly quiet. Papers have had nothing exciting to focus on. Except, of course, for the war in Georgia.
Anyway, as requested, have started to sketch reshuffle options:
Alistair Darling
We need to show massive magnanimity and incredible brutality in this reshuffle. Bring in surprising new faces and dispense with people we and everyone else believe are indispensable, to demonstrate how freethinking we are. Think we should move Alistair to nail him as responsible for the 10p starting rate. But also promote for loyalty.
Recommendation: Could he be Deputy PM? With responsibility for a Prescottesque mega-gulp of unappetising departments? Agriculture, the Constitution, Housing and Asylum?
David Miliband
Be great to grind his face into the ground for ever and/or surprise people by elevating him beyond his or anyone else's wildest dream. Maybe there's a way we can do both?
Recommendation: Chancellor - but brief to make clear that we are very very very uncertain he is qualified for the job.
John Hutton
If we want to sacrifice someone to the party, John "Poverty is for Wimps" Hutton would be very popular. But we may need to do a few things that are the opposite of what we would like to do.
Recommendation: Foreign Secretary - with heavy undermining briefing.
James Purnell
All work and no play makes for a dull reshuffle. Let's wipe the shit-eating grin off his face and ruin his career.
Recommendation: Could we imply he is a spy? Just slightly and off the record? Damian may already be doing this.
Ruth Kelly
Think there is probably a need to really stick it to someone apparently relatively blameless, to demonstrate that the rest of the changes we are making are not the paying-off of scores. Think we can say, on the measure of what we expect the results of future analysis of performance to be, that she will probably be found to have failed. Also - seen as quite boring.
Recommendation: Sack. Brief that we are punishing her for her carelessness in letting petrol become so expensive.
Ed Balls
Promotion will be what people generally expect. Would really silence some sections of the press and confuse friends and enemies if we went for it and discarded Ed.
Recommendation: Sack. Brief heavily that his culling was due to listening to our critics and this is the closest you can come to sacking yourself. While still being very much a vote of confidence in yourself.
Let us know your thoughts.
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