From: The Unit To: GB Subject: The speech that must be made

So, pretty good week. But notwithstanding that it has been a pretty good week, we do really think now is probably the time to start proposing last-ditch gambits to save your premiership.

Obviously, there's loads of healthy internal debate within No 10 about the way forward. The incident in the vestibule outside the basement toilet last night, that ended up with the basin pulled off the wall and the toilet roll fed into the press office's fax, and all that matter smeared across Stephen's laptop, was particularly healthy.

Within the range of opinions, though, there is general agreement that pretty much everything needs to change. And that we need a massive speech from you that either states that you strongly believe that everything you've ever done has been at least slightly wrong; or a rabble-rousing front-footed defence of everything you or anyone else on the left has ever done anywhere, ever. Probably both could be achieved.

So, with this in mind, we began to draft a version. There was a remarkable degree of consensus that the speech needs to be "groundbreaking", "brilliant", "off the scale" and "mould-breaking", while we also agreed it shouldn't be "tired", "boring", "blah" or "shit". Great to have this nailed down.

As for specifics, everyone felt the intro needs to immediately hit a pitch-perfect note. Funny and amazing feel like good ways to go.

Next, you need to mix a tone of frank admission of myriad failures with a witty, self-deprecating sense that you are totally in control. "Laughter in the killing fields" is a phrase someone said we thought might be useful. We want people to laugh as they cry - and think. Maybe physically beating yourself with a book of performance indices while singing a funny song would be good? Definitely not. But this is the mood we need to hit. "Dude, where did I park the economy?" was another idea no one really liked.

Next, you need to move on to a general vision of your vision. This needs to be both brilliantly penetrating and breathtakingly true. Martin Luther King, Winston Churchill, Henry V and the Dead Poets Society were all mentioned as good ways to go in terms of what to be as brilliant as here.

Subsequently, you need to unleash a volley of politically unassailable new policies that both embody the freshness of your vision and also reinforce and magnify it. NB: There must be a narrative to these brilliant ideas - it cannot be just a ragbag of political masterstrokes that will quickly effect real change in people's lives.

The sign-off. It was agreed that, if necessary, this section could be simply great - although ideally it would be nice if it could be at least a little bit amazing.

Let us know your thoughts.

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