Hattie Harperson gets the “neigh” vote in Glasgow East
The Supreme Leader is looking forward not back despite mutterings of plots and coups. He may, I hear, resume one of the many Labour traditions ditched by Tory Blair and speak at next July's Durham Miners' Gala. Party leaders regularly addressed the annual "Big Meeting", until Blair deemed it unfashionably horny-handed. The Prime Minister's handlers were heartened to read here last week that the past decade's ritual booing of Labour is over, making it safe for him to venture north and wave at parades of trade union banners. An unintended consequence of Druggie Dave's rise in the polls.
I was reminded the other day of a tale involving Alistair "Nobody's" Darling,who is displaying studied cheerfulness for a chancellor with a Northern Rock mortgage. As he collected leaves in the garden of his Edinburgh home, a stranger wandered up the path. "Is Alistair Darling in?" inquired the visitor. "I'm from the News of the World." Swiftly computing that a Screws scribbler was unlikely to equal good news, Chauncey Darling replied "No" and carried on raking. The hack departed none the wiser.
To the Glasgow East by-election, where Labour foot soldiers swap stories of a 90-minute state visit by Hattie Harperson. The multitasker was directed to a swanky road in the deprived constituency where detached houses nudge a million quid each. Up the gravel drive she went, past the new 4x4s, to canvass. Twenty minutes later she returned. What did Hattie discuss with the owners? Tax credits? Jobs? Schools? Err . . . showjumping. Incidentally, Hattie failed to win a couple of votes for Labour's Margaret Curran. They were and remained Tories despite her equine interest.
Retired MPs are feeling unloved, so they're seeking a grant to cheer them up. The association representing ex-inmates of the Commons is considering an approach to the Treasury or Foreign Office to pay for junkets around Europe. The bores complain that ex-MPs in countries like Portugal and Ukraine enjoy state-funded trips, whereas they must pay for their own tickets and hotels. The expenses culture evidently survives departure, voluntary or enforced, from the Mock Gothic Fun Palace.
George "Oik" Osborne's zipped mouthpiece David Hass (one "a", double "s", as he corrected naughty me) continues the great cover-up over the whereabouts of his master's Buller tailcoat. Such impertinence from a junior spinner, particularly one dreaming of counting beans in the Treasury, appeals to my curiosity. Snouts should contact me via the usual channels, a fingerprint-free service assured. I'll address what makes Oik's boy tick when this column returns from its traditional August break.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
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