From: The Unit To: GB Subject: Time travel machine (alleged)

So, pretty good week. Feels like the perpetual funk of fear and confusion that continually swirls around us did not at least get any thicker this week. Usual "lowest poll rating since blah", "Most hated premier since blurggh" kind of thing, but really, we're so past all that. However, this respite was somewhat marred by the rumour sweeping Westminster like wild-fire that you have sunk a lot of political capital, and state resources, into the hunt for a viable time machine.

We have no idea where this story came from. Not the Tories as far as we can make out. Maybe Straw? He seems to be strutting around right now as if he actually has a better idea what we should be doing.

Anyway, wherever it came from, by Tuesday every other call to the press office was about the rumour that you had approached the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform with the idea that private companies could be incentivised with capital tax allowances if they were able to "propel back in time a single individual by one calendar year". This was followed on Wednesday by the assertion that at 2am the previous evening you approached a member of the defence procurement team with a hand-drawn proposal for a "time reversal capsule" modelled, according to reports, on an Olympic luge with a nuclear submarine's fuel cell attached.

Obviously this is nonsense. Still, think we need a strategy on it. Definitely don't think you should roll on to the GMTV sofa and outline the temporal anomalies (if you killed Hitler would Dad's Army still exist, etc) associated with time travel.

We think if it came up, the way you deal with it is with a joke. "Are you trying to build a time machine to travel back to before your autumn election freak-out, Prime Minister?" "No, no, John, if I could build a time machine I'd go back to the 70s to when beer was cheap and sexual harassment much more acceptable and have a few lovely pints and pinch a few nice bums!!" NB - this would need to be delivered in a manner that was cheeky and full of twinkle - not at all dark or worrying.

Tory sleaze. Who would have thought this sweet little number would raise its head again? Unfortunately, our private polling suggests we may have problems making capital. It seems that when pollsters offered members of the public a range of reactions to the new Tories' indiscretions - from: "Typical, those shits are such a bunch of shits" through, "Whatever dude, shit happens" - the most popular reaction was "Aw shucks they're doing that again!" It is almost like voters find it reassuring to have Tory MPs and MEPs lying to them again. As if along with the bracing novelty of pie-face Cammo they are reassured that old Tory traditions persist. Worrying.

Let us know your thoughts.

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