From: The Unit To: GB Subject: Myths and rumours

So, pretty good week, all in all. It seems pretty much universally accepted that your premiership is a disaster and will be prematurely terminated, but (within those given parameters) think it has actually not been all bad. It's not like you've actually done anything wrong. The pessimism seems to flow from a deeper, almost existential, sense of personal bankruptcy that exists in a world related to but separate from real life. Not sure if this is comforting or not? Maybe it is!

In practical terms, think that one thing we do need to do immediately, other than sacking Caryn, is to challenge a few myths that have been growing up:

1) That you can now sleep for only an hour and a quarter per night

What are the facts on this? Are you tucking away nearly three, as Damian boasts, or is it more like the two that your face suggests? Would it be too intrusive to put up a few hours of webcam shots of you enjoying shut-eye? Think it could be a really positive boast for us: "Look, the Prime Minister is not so constantly in a state of febrile terror at the pace and direction of events that he is permanently unable to sleep, no, not at all. In fact, look, here he is - asleep!"

2) That there is a section of your face that is animatronic

Some of the internet suggests that either the top or bottom portion of your face or jaw is Adamantium or carbon-fibre. Could we publish medical records on this?

3) That we at the Unit consider you the new Major

Obviously the dream scenario for us in terms of creating a new narrative for you is that we pitch you as the new John Major. However, we don't want to stretch credibility. We need to be careful about trying to put you up there with Major when people don't feel it. Of course, if we were ever able to make this stick then we might have made a conceptual leap that could shift things from you being viewed as a pitiful, glowering depressive to a fresh start as an amiable loser/national joke.

4) That in your youth you sexually violated a book by Joseph Schumpeter

There is a rumour that in your youth you took the phrase "seminal text" literally over Capitalism, Socialism and Democracy. Not sure if this one really hurts us. Possibly there might even be a raffish angle to having achieved a sexual emission from economic arousal?

5) That you considered threatening the nation with taking your own life if your polling support fell below 20 per cent, as part of a party political broadcast

Think that this is a confused leak from the pre-council-election ideas brainstorm with Ed, Doug, Ed and Damian. We could scotch this by publishing the full details of what was discussed. But Damian's idea for winning at PMQs by simply repeating what Cameron says, but in a "posh voice" and with a top hat on, might come out.

Let us know your thoughts.

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