Tactical Briefing

From: The Unit

To: GB

Subject: Ongoing reorganisation

So, first things first. Really good decision not to abolish the Unit. Can't tell you how good the atmosphere was here when this week's edition of PR Week arrived, and everyone nervously thumbed through the pages to find the chart of how the British government is henceforth going to be organised. And there we were on the flow chart! Partially obscured at the bottom by the British Aerospace and British Nuclear Fuels ads, but there nonetheless!

And thanks to Stephen for arranging the new office. Initially there was some disquiet, before he explained that being stationed in the corridor is a real gatekeeping role. Besides, it's so wide at certain points it's hardly a corridor at all! And certainly no one can make a bowel movement on this side of the building without having to pass the Unit team and give us a queasy smile.

Really feel that Stephen is bringing a non-tribal but ruthless edge to the inner sanctum. And not just because this is what we have been instructed to say, and has been embedded at the end of all our emails whether we like it or not. But also because he really might be. A real, new can-do attitude is thriving. Problem: polling looking shitty. Solution: get a new pollster! Really exciting to be part of the team.

On other matters: The Sarkozy visit obviously played very well - especially for Sarkozy and his wife's record company. Also several pictures featuring parts of your body that happened to be in shot ran in the national papers. This was useful for us, and hit home with the surprisingly large portion of the public which polling suggests has forgotten you are Prime Minister. Unfortunately these political dimwits do seem to form the bedrock of our current support. As far as our analysis of the figures goes, it seems that around 53 per cent of those certain to support us if an election was held tomorrow believe we are now in opposition.

On the positive side, the Tories' "intellectual driving force", Greg Clark, has surely gone over the edge this week. He suggested that tax credits don't abolish poverty, "they just disguise it". Initially we were alarmed: "not abolished - disguised" seemed like it might make a good line of attack. But think our defence should be that, when it comes to poverty, money may only be a disguise, but, it has to be admitted, it's a f***ing good disguise.

After all, the Tory logic takes you to the point where you'd have to argue that that (say) bloated plutocrat and Minister of State for Trade, Digby Jones, or Richard Branson are also poor - it's just that, in their cases, it is incredibly well disguised. Similarly, they may end up arguing that growing levels of obesity are really nothing more than a brilliantly well-disguised slow-motion famine. Right?

Let us know your thoughts.

This article first appeared in the 07 April 2008 issue of the New Statesman, British jihad