So, pretty good week. The revolts over the 42 days issue, the 10p tax rate rebellion, the Olympics snarl-up, the steepest ever decline in personal poll ratings since records began, the stalking horse rumours, the cabinet splits: all feel like the sort of stuff that really proves it is darkest just before the dawn. Of course, it is also fairly dark for much of the night well before the dawn - but there's a real feeling here that dawn must surely be approaching.

One thing we wanted to raise is getting your private office staff to be much more assiduous in shredding the stuff in your wastepaper basket. In particular, a couple of items came back to us via concerned colleagues:

Your Amazon DVD orders

In the wrong hands people might start "interpreting" these. What is your obsession with the Hitler bunker drama Downfall, anyway!? Sure, it's a good movie, but have your last copies worn out already? What about taking a look at Ferris Bueller's Day Off or one of the other movies we've sent up for you? Wayne's World, Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, Cheaper By the Dozen - these are all good movies. Better, arguably, than the stuff like Nixon, Downfall and The Sorrow and the Pity you've been ordering. On a related point, we know it's uplifting but really do think you need to keep your viewings of Downfall down to maximum of one a day.

Resignation speech

No need to be drafting this, big man! But if it ever does come to this, the orgy of self-pity is not a good vibe. We're sure the University of Edinburgh Labour Club produced some perverse decisions in electing officers in the 1970s, but is your resignation speech the place to go into them?

Proclamation of emergency government by royal prerogative

Think this one was a joke, and it was funny. Sort of. Burn it. Now.

List of enemies

Surely you can keep this mentally? Also the accompanying "wish-list" of ailments with illustrative symbols is a little macabre. Surely none of the current cabinet deserve "eye gouging" or "removal of internal organs with insufficient anaesthetic"?

Address of a thankful nation at your state funeral

Really not a great speech for people to know you've been drafting. Plus, if you were to succeed in getting Mandela to make the address, not sure he would be comfortable with using the word "tosspot" about another former British prime minister, or about a young member of the opposition. (On the plus side, think your suggestions of the Pope, the Clintons, J K Rowling, Aung San Suu Kyi, Ian McCartney on stilts and the Sugababes as coffin-bearers show you still have great populist political instincts.)

Maybe we should entirely dispense with the wastepaper basket for the moment? Let us know your thoughts.

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website