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Springtime for Tories

Tara Hamilton-Miller

Published 19 March 2008

There was a bounce in the air at Cameron's weekend conference - both on and offstage

Friday

The mood was upbeat at the Sage Gateshead, venue for the Conservative Party's spring conference. Kicking off with a well-attended candidates' reception, William Hague made a speech during which, annoyingly, a mobile phone went off. Usually when this happened in the 2001 general election, Hague would say: "If that's Tony Blair ringing, tell him it's too late to call off the election." The gag has been updated to: "If that's Alistair Darling, tell him, 'No, we haven't figured out what's in his Budget.'" Plus a jaunty ad lib: "It must have been him - it was a boring ringtone." Boom boom.

The events in the main hall were on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning. Shadow cabinet members took it in turns to give refreshingly short speeches, then sat on four cream armchairs arranged in a row onstage next to small tables with glasses of Gateshead tap water. They didn't look quite as uncomfortable with this soft-furnishings arrangement as they have in the past.

The real stars were the party members, who had a chance to ask questions from a lectern at the side. They were clearly voiced, and mostly to the point, though there were a few strange rambling ones. A woman in a sari used her precious two minutes to boast about her nice daughter. Most odd was a woman who opened with, "My name is . . . and I'm a food addict." She went on to declare, "I've lost six stone." There was a pause as she looked at the half-full hall, waiting for a reaction, but because it wasn't Jerry Springer the party members just stared.

An old lady with a hump, bent over double, took nearly 15 minutes to walk with her stick to the front of the hall. When she was within cane-prodding distance of Alan Duncan she removed the slickest, credit-card-sized digital camera from her handbag and took pictures of the shadow secretary of state for business. Duncan was her "favourite", she told me. I took one of her, with Alan in the background.

There was a bit of a lull in the afternoon as the questions verged on dull. A reprieve came when a pretty, matronly young female in sen sible clothes, sans bra, bounced up to the lectern. A large percentage of the hall woke up. She asked a question about "economic compatibility with Europe". Lots of men over 65 looked disappointed that she wasn't going to ask another question. Or maybe dance.

Amid the audience were a smattering of turbans, some risqué patterned tights and, in the front row, bang in the middle, an absolute corker in a kilt. J B Priestley wrote that Gateshead appeared to have been designed "by an enemy of the human race". Maybe that was true then, but not now. Francis Maude, shadow minister for the Cabinet Office, wandered around the Hilton beaming, "It's not Blackpool." He had never looked so happy; he had managed to combine spring conference with some family commitments and prove to his colleagues that new venues should be embraced. Maude was a bit like Obi-Wan Kenobi, satisfied that, after a tumultuous career, he may have helped shape the conferences of the future.

Docked in front of the Sage is the Tuxedo Prin cess. Famous in Newcastle as simply "the boat", this huge pulling ferry has seven nightclubs, but unfortunately it was closed - much to the disappointment of young Tories anxious to party in a venue formerly frequented by Rick Astley, Gazza and the cast of Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

Saturday

The shadow minister for family welfare, Maria Miller, appears to be morphing into the Tory chairman, Caroline Spelman: the hair, the delivery. They even seem to have the same jacket. This citrus yellow, boxy number from K Bennett was very popular and was sported by quite a few Tory women, including Shireen Ritchie, the stylish chairman of the candidates' committee and mother-in-law to Madonna.

Advice on how those attending the conference could offset their carbon footprint for their journey to Newcastle led to a few groans from the stuff'n'nonsense seats, but then Hague was back as the light relief. He pulled out all the crowd-pleasing stops, reeling off anecdotes about his mother, Arthur Scargill and "urinary" authorities. They loved him. A few shadow ministers - Jeremy Hunt, George Osborne and Cheryl Gillan - sat at the back on stairs at the side, like cool prefects at the end-of-term show.

Other highlights: somebody shouted that "the north rocks", and a local councillor hobbled onstage in full leg cast and crutches. Just before David Cameron's speech (childcare and the family), the hall was happy and packed as a smart young bunch joined the oldies. While Lily Allen's "Smile" played, my elderly friend with the hump and the flashy camera started her second long journey down to the front.

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1 comment from readers

knave
26 March 2008 at 16:01

CHORUS:

Britain was having trouble

What a sad, sad story

Needed a new leader to restore

Its former glory

Where, oh, where was he?

Where could that man be?

We looked around and then we found

The man for you and me

LEAD TENOR TOP TORY or NICK COHEN:

And now it's...

Springtime for cameron and Engeerland

The UK is happy and gay!

We're marching to a faster pace

Look out, here comes the master race!

Springtime for Cameron and Engerlaand

Thamesland's a fine land once more!

Springtime for cameron and Engeerland

Watch out, Europephobes

We're going on tour!

Springtime for cameron and Engeerland

CHORUS:

Look, it's springtime

:

Winter for the EU and the TUC

CHORUS :

Springtime for cameron and Engeerland

CHORUS:

Springtime! Springtime!

Springtime! Springtime!

Springtime! Springtime!

Springtime! Springtime!

Come on, Brits

Go into your dance!

I was born in Milton Mowbray and that is why they call me Jeremy.

Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Tory party!

ULLA:

The Maggie is coming, the Maggie is coming, the Maggie is coming!

:

Hail dave

:

Hail dave

:

Hail Maggie

Springtime for cameron and Engeerland

ALL:

Heil dave

Hail myself

Hail to me

I'm the tory

Who's out to change our history

Hail myself

Raise your hand

There's no greater

Politician in the land!

Everything I do, I do for you!

Yes, you do!

If you're looking for a war, here's Iran

Hail myself

Raise your beer

:

Hurrah!!

Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Tory stand and cheer

Norm and maggie are causing a furor!

He's got those pinkos on the run

You gotta love that wacky man!

The Maggie is causing a furor

They can't say "no" to her demands

They're freaking out in foreign lands

He's got the whole world in his hands

The Maggie is causing a furor!

:

I was just an old etonian

No one more obscurer

Got a phone call from the central office

Told me I was leader

UK was blue

What, oh, what to do?

Hitched up my pants

And conquered London

Now southern England's smiling through!

But it wasn't always so easy...

It was 2007. Osborne was working the Big Room and I...

I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break.

Gordon brown got the job

And, would you believe it?

They made me leader!

It ain't no myst'ry

If it's politics or hist'ry

The thing you gotta know is

Ev'rything is show biz

Hail myself

Watch my show

I'm the English John McCain

Dontcha know

We are crossing borders

The new world order is here

Make a great big smile

Ev'ryone say hello to me

Wonderful me!

And now it's...

CHORUS:

Springtime for cameron and Engeerland

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