Celebrity wife swap - the new game coming to Westminster
Wife swapping is the name of the game, swinging the new earner. A snitch of unimpeachable integrity, a distinguished public servant no less, overheard a huddle of MPs trading partners behind the Speaker's chair. Discretion prevents my snout naming names, but the cunning plan is to survive the collapse of Del Boy Conway's family business by employing each other's spouses. Now "Big Mick" Martin is apprised of what's been going on behind his chair, he can ban wife swaps. Unless, of course, Mr Speaker needs to find a humble backbencher to pick up Mrs Speaker's £4,280.20 taxi tab.
A Labour informant whispers George "Oik" Osborne, trust-fund Tory, favours scrapping the TV and radio ban on political advertising. The neocon argued for freedom to spend during a Washington-sponsored trip to the US a few years back, Oik calculating that it would push UK parties further to the right. Druggie Dave opposes lifting the ban. Another area of tension between the one-time bicycling buddies?
Housewives will be weeping into their hankies at news that the BBC's smooth-tongued Guto Harri is handing in his microphone, lured into lobbying by big bucks. Speculation is he will eventually spin for the Tories despite having spurned advances from Druggie Dave. I'm still trying to come to terms with the realisation that the ranter Richard Littlejohn's son William is working for that gay Tory, Alan "Dinky" Duncan. As Dad is fond of saying, you couldn't make it up.
The beer's gone flat in the expensively refurbished Press Bar after Hansard defected to the Sports and Social, the new airport terminal lounge failing to entice stenographers after a hard day deciding what MPs really meant. Takings are dire, prompting pleas for hacks to drink more, in defiance of medical advice. Old soaks sniff a plot by vengeful House authorities to shut the watering hole.
It was the match of the day, two sporting greats grudge-to-grudge. The playing surface was in tip-top condition, the crowd sparse yet expectant. On cue, the showdown opened with a ball down the middle . . . But enough of strained puns. The annual snooker tournament pitted old tout against new tout, Richard Caborn beating Gerry Sutcliffe. My informant mumbled that the current sports minister played as if he was wearing goalkeeping gloves.
The Independent scribbler Simon Carr whiles away dull parliamentary sessions twinning MPs with lookalike hacks. Pairings include Alun Michael (BBC's Michael Crick), Shaun Woodward (the Sun's George Pascoe-Watson), plus your correspondent with the Labour tosser Lindsay Hoyle (pictured left). The Chorley MP, I hastily add, is an accomplished pancake flipper. Ken Clarke, I hear, mistook Sir Simon for a knight of the shires while canvassing for Tory leadership votes. Come to think of it, there's a touch of the grand Sir Peter Tapsell about Carr.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
Post this article to
We want to encourage people to comment on our content and to exchange views with other readers and hope this will be done on a courteous basis. However, if you encounter posts which are offensive please let us know by emailing comments@newstatesman.co.uk and we will take swift action where necessary.
