UK Politics
Les Dawson had to start somewhere
Published 03 January 2008
All the gossip from the Westminster Village
The only cabinet minister sufficiently wealthy to employ a butler is displaying symptoms of what a Westminster colleague diagnoses as delusions of adequacy. Shaun "Wooden" Woodward, for it is the Tory turncoat whose lack of salary as unpaid viceroy of Ulster betrays his lack of clout, is manoeuvring to join Labour's election team. The chap evidently believes his experience of rubbishing Neil Kinnock 16 years ago will count in the war against Druggie Dave. He's even hired Seb Dance, partner of the weepy Downing Street strategy chief Spencer Livermore, as special adviser to advance his objective. Alas, his naked ambition has created Talibrown enemies, one of this column's Downing Street snouts growling that they're in enough trouble without Wooden sticking his suede loafers in. I gather his cause wasn't helped during a political session of the cabinet when Wooden recalled "What John Major did . . ." Hapless John is one ex-premier the PM does not like to be compared with.
Lord Triesman of Tottenham's imminent transfer from universities minister to £300,000 Football Association supremo has revived an old mystery. Labour buddies who used to enjoy a pint or five with Triesman before Spurs matches recall the party's one-time head pen-pusher variously boasting he'd played for the club's youth team and the reserves. Imagine their surprise when an archivist could uncover no record of the noble lord's achievements. Drink does play games with the memory, as my informants in the Tottenham High Road hostelry know only too well.
Yummy Mummy Sammy Cameron was apparently known by the endearingly old-fashioned nickname of "Snowy" when she was an art student at Bristol Poly. Could this refer to Tintin's pup or to Dick Barton's assistant? Can anyone out there enlighten me further? Unkind Labour MPs suggest that with a dolphin tattoo on her ankle and a smile that's a tribute to British dentistry, Mrs C is lucky she wasn't known as Jaws.
Tony McNulty, police minister, is striving to lighten his dour image by cracking a few rib-ticklers. Although unlikely to appease angry boys and girls in blue who want to crack more than a few jokes, the West Ham United supporter's digs at a big-money defector to Chelsea is the first recorded instance of humour in the McNumpty household, and therefore deserves to be treasured. He's taken to asking rhetorically why Hammers fans should vote Labour, and replying: "Because Frank Lampard's a Tory." Remember, even Les Dawson had to start somewhere.
More news on Alastair Campbell's rapprochement with the Talibrown, this time pledging to raise £1m for Labour's election coffers. Alex Ferguson's friend has teamed up with England's 2018 World Cup bid maestro Richard Caborn, former sports minister, to use their contacts to hit the target. Ali C could always auction off rare unsigned copies of his diaries.
An illuminating postscript on walkin', talkin' David Cameron's "unscripted" performance at last autumn's Tory rally in Blackpool. Amid the overhyped reviews, the Times of London published a page of the silver-spoon Tory's rough jottings. I now gather that the handwritten notes were found on the stage by an enterprising hack. And I've further gleaned that on the back of the sheaf of pages was, again in the clever boy's own hand, the full text, which he'd learned word for word. A magnificent feat of memory? Undoubtedly. Unscripted, impromptu, unrehearsed? Never. The Thunderer agreed not to print sentence after sentence after the Tories' spinner Andy "I Knew Nothing" Coulson, forced to quit as editor of the News of the Screws over a royal telephone bugging scandal, accused the other Wapping rag of theft.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
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