Gobby, Sticky or Monksy for Labour?

All the gossip from the Westminster Village

A masterful hedging of bets, Welsh-style, on the fate of permatanned Hain the Vain over the messy business of all that loot, diamond dealers and a think tank that does no thinking. Invited by the BBC's Cymraeg language service to offer support to busy Mr Tango, the Sage of Cardiff, Rhodri Morgan, popped into the studio and duly did his duty. Yet intriguingly, when presenters asked him to repeat his endorsement of the Orange One in English the request was firmly declined. Perish the thought that Red Rhod bears a grudge against Hain the Vain for painting him as a Trot-backed sociopath while doing Tony Blair's bidding to crown the unlamented Alun Michael as the first First Minister.

Anyone wishing to wipe the floor with David Goody-Two-Shoes Cameron or Bonking Boris, or to rub their faces in it (Uncle Gordie? Citizen Ken?) can do so for a tenner. Tea towels of the wing-collared chaps in their full Bullingdon Club glory are being sold by the artist who copied the now-banned photograph. I hear that one is on its way to No 10, if it hasn't arrived already.

Gobby Gary Titley is hoping to swap the Brussels gravy train to play Labour's Fat Controller. The leader of the party's Euro MPs is the latest to eye up the vacancy created by Peter "Low" Watt's unseemly departure. Some around the Talibrown would like another exile over the water, the Euro TUC boss John Monks, to be Labour general secretary, but the ambition isn't shared by Brother Monks. The Supreme Leader has yet to decide who he favours but, I gather, he has decided who he doesn't want, which is bad news for the former NEC chair and Unite trade union official "Sticky Micky" Griffiths.

Maggie Thatcher's developed a shiny big toe on her right foot, a disturbing condition blamed on Tory sycophants ritually bowing to rub the Rusty Lady's stiletto and seek her blessing. Such displays of devotion send shivers down the spine of Notting Hellers, who avert their eyes to avoid her gaze, recalling ferocious handbaggings of yore. On this evidence, Dave's party isn't as hip or modern as the fifth leader since Maggie desires us to believe. Commons authorities, however, tolerate MPs touching the Leaderene, the glowing hoof enhancing the 7ft 6in bronze in the Members' Lobby. Badge messengers are more worried, I was informed, about tourists trying to look up Thatch's skirt.

Nothing's too good for the workers. That smouldering ex-miner, Lord Mason of Barnsley, described the smoking stretch of the Upper House's terrace as being like a "posh pub" garden. Heads were scratched as former comrades wondered where he drinks.

The love-hate relationship flourishes between diminutive Hazel Blears, Mrs Pepperpot's little sister (pictured left), and Silver Spoon Cameron. After the combative cabinet minister's local Labour Party prevented the Tory leader aping his musical hero Morrissey by posing on the steps of Salford Lads Club, the mini class warrior had a snap taken of herself in the very spot to send to the singer's frustrated Tory fan. He may be unable to resist the urge to look down on Ms Blears.

Lord Ashcroft of Belize organised a weekend "Take Your Seat" dinner in central London for wannabe MPs who take his zillions. I can't confirm the appearance of a supposed Christmas gift of a fluffy white toy cat, supposedly bought for Cameron's sugardaddy. I file the moggie tale under the "too good to check" category, my source insisting Lord Moneybags didn't get the Blofeld joke as he stroked the pussy.

Bong! News at Ten returns. Bong! Opening-night interview with Princess Di's former lover. Bong! Prime Minister interview relegated to second night. Bong! MPs accuse ITV of dumbing down.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

Kevin Maguire is Associate Editor (Politics) on the Daily Mirror and author of our Commons Confidential column on the high politics and low life in Westminster. An award-winning journalist, he is in frequent demand on television and radio and co-authored a book on great parliamentary scandals. He was formerly Chief Reporter on the Guardian and Labour Correspondent on the Daily Telegraph.

This article first appeared in the 21 January 2008 issue of the New Statesman, Art is the new activism