1 Declaring he's proud to be posh, David Cameron organises a summer reunion of the Bullingdon Club. Proudly posing in his Edwardian tails with "Boy George" Osborne and "Bonker" Boris Johnson, the Tory leader raises a glass to the Upper Class. A mini-manifesto simultaneously promises to sweep away petty laws keeping kids from finding gainful employment up chimneys.
2 "I was, am and will always be," writes Gordon Brown in the foreword to his reissued Red Paper, "a socialist." The Prime Minister's denunciation of new Labour as the bastard child of capitalism is a bit of a surprise. Not as big a surprise, however, as nationalisation of the top 200 companies and his vow to "squeeze the rich until the pips squeak".
3 Britain joins the euro and abolishes the pound. Brown and Cameron form a historic alliance to pursue the national interest, confronting the Murdoch-Rothermere axis. "Never again," reads a joint statement, "shall we bend the knee to Rupert." A 77-year-old US billionaire is later seen slipping into Downing Street through the back door.
4 Clipping on his sock garters for one last hurrah, Ming Campbell, 103, graciously answers the call of Liberal Democrats who believe only an elderly gent can save the party. The young chap elected in an autumn contest remembered only for its lack of anything to remember proved unsuitable. And Vince Cable's missus ran out of jokes. So Ming's the Lib Dem main man. Again.
5 Waving to photographers from the steps of No 10, smiling Margaret Thatcher (above) informs the world's press she's delighted to be back. Gordon and Sarah's invitation to the lady their kids call "Nana Maggie" is marred by cabinet resignations, back-bench protests and the disaffiliation of a couple of unions. Nick Robinson's TV report includes the words "shameless", "shameful", "cheap" and - edgy, these - "silly shite stunt".
6 Stung by gibes that the Tories are the "greed is good" party, the shadow cabinet collectively agrees to bequeath to charity every penny of inheritance tax cuts if the Conservatives win the election. David "Two Brains" Willetts reckons it'd be £280k each if £1m is exempted. The Trustafundian wannabe Tory chancellor "Boy George" admits he doesn't need the money anyway.
7 Finally acknowledging chronic shyness is a political handicap, Alex Salmond (right) enrols on a Braveheart assertiveness course. The SNP leader sees he must be more meeja-friendly, speaking in soundbites and learning to love the TV cameras. Never again, says Salmond, will he be tongue-tied. Counsellers offer him a "no independence, no fee" guarantee.
8 John Prescott takes up snipe shooting on the Glorious Twelfth. Pauline (with John, below left) is very pleased, preferring her hubby peppering birds to what he did with a secretary under the table. The old seadog boasts it's the fastest-growing sport of the new working class, and he needs something to do before skippering the 2012 croquet team.
9 Jack Dromey issues a press release because he knows something about Labour finances: his own annual membership subscription. Dromey stumbled across the deduction while studying a bank statement, a small breakthrough for a party treasurer in the dark about loans and dodgy donations. The women's minister, Harriet Harman, aka Mrs Dromey, takes the opportunity to plead for a housekeeping rise to pay off deputy leadership debts.
10 Watched contemptuously by grieving civilians and limbless soldiers, the defendant turns to address the panel of judges in The Hague. The hair is thinner, the face podgier, the arrogant certainty of power a terrible memory. "The war in Iraq," mutters Tony Blair, "was wrong."
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
