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A girlie vicar, a wooden phallus and a case of mistaken identity - all the gossip from the Westminster Village
Nursing bruised ribs and a hurt ego is Euro minister Jim Murphy, left grimacing by an uncomfortable encounter with the right elbow of his parliamentary colleague Paul Farrelly during MPs' regular Tuesday-morning five-a-side grudge match. My snout in the shorts described as "tasty" the clash at a Victoria leisure centre, a less reconstructed informant billing it a "girlie bitch-fight". Bite-yer-legs Farrelly later came over all Mark Lawrenson, dismissing the encounter as "just a bit of handbags". With the government taking a pasting, I'm reassured there's still fight in the Labour Party. Spare any sympathy for Gillingham's Paul Clark. He broke both wrists falling down playing footie . . . against a girlie vicar.
So hapless Peter "Low" Watt lived up to his nickname, a Labour general secretary viewed as more a secretary than general curiously pleading ignorance of party funding law. My snout in Strangers' Bar hears the Tyneside property developer David Abrahams is a long-time visitor to party functions, recalling how the shy moneyman was guided by the arm of the former Labour dominatrix Margaret, now Lady, McDonagh.
The whisper is that Smug Dave is poised for a literary debut of sorts. Man about town Dylan Jones, editor of the glossy GQ, is rumoured to be considering a volume recording cocktail-party chit-chat with Cameron. The Tory leader's musings on suits and music are clearly intended to match Gordon Brown's publishing debut, a weighty biography of Maxton.
Voters might be divorcing the Father of the Nation, but Brown's entourage was cheered to spot a beaming poster of their line manager in Kampala during the Commonwealth shindig. Uncle Gordie looked every inch the Supreme Leader, no sign of the brow to be furrowed by dodgy donations. The war glow cooled only when they read the caption: "Uganda welcomes Prince Charles".
Spied enjoying himself at a Ditchley Park weekend think-thingy on Anglo-Sino relations was John Prescott. Not quite croquet in Dorneywood, though I'm assured the Oxfordshire pile isn't too good for the workers. Old rogue Prezza, when deputy premier, was appointed by Tony Blair to keep an eye on Beijing, and the Chinese revere former leaders. My informant was somewhat surprised to spot the bike minister, Rosie Winterton (below left), presumably invited because the Chinese like to cycle.
Back to Uganda, where Prince Charles adopted a Brown "oh my Gord" fixed grin during a trip to a health clinic. The heir to the throne was confronted by a generously proportioned wooden phallus, down which ladies unrolled condoms. The royal rat pack, incidentally, deemed the event unsuitable for readers of family newspapers.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
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