From: The Unit To: GB Subject: Tories

So, at this point, obviously complacency is the great risk, blah blah. But following are some thoughts on what to do tactically after we win the election. At the Unit we feel there will be two basic approaches we can adopt re the Tories: Destroy or Absorb.

Destroy

We know this has always been your favourite. Indeed, we should probably be careful to make sure you're never photographed reading positive polling results, because (and we feel we can say this here at the Unit, because we're all 100 per cent behind you) the laugh you give at anything over a 6.5 per cent lead is so full and throaty and intense, it can be a little bit, and we hesitate to use this word, "spooky". Likewise when you pummel your fist into your palm and repeat "grind them and grind them and grind them". For ages. That's a bit weird, too. Just a couple to watch there!

Anyway, if we go for destroy there would be three main figures to target. If we can neutralise them, the Tories should go down for good:

1) Cameron. Should be fairly simple after the election to bonk him on the head like a trout.

2) Osborne. Think we subtly float in the papers that he doesn't know how much a pint of milk costs, where Birmingham is, or how to find his house without a chauffeur or call girl.

We could also reattribute the Mandelson guacamole/mushy pea story to him, but suggest that after it happened he was so embarrassed he bought the chippy, burned it down and built a sweatshop and car park and forced-labour massage parlour on the site. Just subtly float that.

3) Letwin. The key here is to get him on Newsnight just talking. He gaffes, according to our stats, at about one per minute of Paxphrys airtime (1GPMPA). Maybe we can suggest there's going to be a debate with a cabinet member then, last minute, pull the minister. Just let the poor nutjob talk himself into a hole.

Absorb

This is the other option and very appealing to us here at the Unit. We were so pleased you went with our suggestion of pulling on board bloated plutocrat Digby and good-natured racist Mercer and freaky Bercow - think it's giving us a real edge. Especially among the plutocrats and the racists and the freaks, who for once feel we really understand them.

The next logical step after the election could be to invite, say, Hague and Cameron in as foreign sec and farming guy. No need to haul the Lib Dems in. Leave them moaning and also as a democratic voice of opposition (!).

Obviously the way we've outlined it could make it sound cynical, but it would be important for us to work out why it isn't. Otherwise I don't think any of us would feel comfortable with it. However, fortunately, there are no doubt many very good reasons why it isn't.

Let us know which you favour, Absorb or Destroy.

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