UK Politics
The grey man will not take tea
Published 20 September 2007
All the gossip from the Westminster village
Suspicious agents of the Talibrown scent conspiracy in the air over the growing chumminess of John Hutton and James Purnell, keepers of the Blairite flame whispered to have dined together several times over the summer. Perhaps the CBI's voice in government and the culture vulture share a fondness for lamb or a love of Pinot Grigio. Yet even in this era of supposedly relaxed "new politics", innocent meetings trigger excited talk of pacts and splits. Should the pair convene with a third colleague, I predict claims of a cabinet cell. Talking of which, did anyone see Mrs Pepperpot, Hazel Blears, over the summer? Purnell, by the way, flounced out of an Edinburgh dinner with TV types after a goading by Andrew Neil, living proof the BBC can't be a left-wing conspiracy.
Heard the one about the Labour deputy leader, the funny woman and the rib-ticklers? Brace yourself for laugh-a-minute Hattie Harperson. She's hired a comic to liven up her speeches. Special adviser Ayesha Hazarika (below) was once billed as "Britain's only lapsed Muslim comedienne". What about our very own and far more witty Shazia Mirza, we ask? Harperson is wittier than her straight-laced PC image, displaying nice timing on the battle for the deputy's tiara with a line about Cameron wanting women for only one thing . . . their votes. Now the party conference in Bournemouth is billed as the laugh along with Hattie show. Eat your heart out, John Prescott.
Gordon Brown's sudden interest in Maggie's pussy (Marvin, a stray) was somewhat disingenuously spun by No 10 spinners as evidence of his impeccable manners, courtesy dictating the former dictator be asked to pop in. So can we look forward to a chat with that other member of the ex-PM club, John Major? Probably not. Major's people declared he wouldn't go. Something about detesting Uncle Gordon.
News of Mr and Mrs Wotstheirname. Tony Wotshisname is to perform in South Shields for FREE in the middle of November, invited by his old junior David "Brains" Miliband (above). The word on Tyneside is Wotshisname isn't charging because Miliband's now his boss as Foreign Secretary, our one-time premier enjoying a sinecure in the Middle East. Cherie Wotshername is preparing to fend for herself. My snout with the earpiece hisses she was granted only six months special branch chauffeuring, not the 12 months desired, after departing Downing Street.
Billeted gratis in Bournemouth's Highcliff Marriott during Labour's shindig will be the Aslef delegation, admitted to the heart of Gordontown after last year's pass chaos in Manchester saw drivers denied entry, catching early trains home. Thirsty chief footplateman, Keith Norman, was earwigged hoping that free drink as well as a room was part of the package. Such a rash offer could bankrupt the party. Strange thing is, I heard Aslef's failure to obtain credentials in 2006 wasn't down to Labour incompetence but an absent-minded union forgetting to apply for them.
More bad blood flows between Lord (Bill) Morris of Stab-in-the-Back (right) and his former bruvvers. The ex-general secretary refused to be filmed for T&G: The Movie, a DVD of the history of a union that's sadly no more after the merger with Amicus to form Unite. Jack Jones, who must be at least 167, participated, but not Lord Stab. So let's hear a rousing chorus in Transport House: "The working class can kiss my ermine, I've got the peer's job at last."
Returning to these shores after two years exile in New York is al-Jazeera's UN hack, Mark Seddon. Accomplished in explaining to hostile Yanks that al-Jazeera shouldn't be confused with al-Qaeda, Seddon is to work for a lobbyist. The betting is he'll try and find his way into Uncle Gordie's big tent. Match box-sized Tory John Bercow, who the former NEC member stood against in Buckinghamshire at the 2001 election, is already under the canvas. My advice to Seddon, if he wants to be admitted, is he'll improve his chances by defecting to the Lib Dems or Cons so the Supreme Leader can add another head to his scalp collection.
The annual survey of lobby hacks found Hamlet is the favourite Shakespeare play of political scribblers, the tale of revenge pipping Macbeth and King Lear for top spot. Make of that what you will.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
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