UK Politics
What Will said to Andy
Published 27 September 2007
All the gossip from beside the seaside
The Supreme Leader displayed Stakhanovite stamina as he chalked up ten receptions a night in Brownsville, the Talibrown town created in Bournemouth. Monday saw him laughing, yes laughing, as he chatted at the Mirror's champagne bash after saying hello to the Grauniad and Torygraph. Your spy spent part of the evening dodging punchy John Prescott, on the warpath over this column's disclosure that his son and wannabe heir in Hull East, Daddy's David, is paid to spin for Babycham Kid Ed Balls's kiddies' department. If he can kiss and make up with the paper that revealed his fumblings with a diary secretary, maybe he can forgive little me. Again.
Titters on the NEC when deputy leaderene Hattie Harperson reported on the progress of her "Harriet in the High Street" campaign shopping for votes. Up popped the horny hand of engineering union functionary Peter Wheeler, probably the only person near the top of the people's party to live in a council house. "That's great Harriet," declared the Lancastrian Lip, "I've been doing something similar in Salford for years. I call it 'Peter in the Pub'."
Entourage in tow, a somewhat flustered flame-haired newspaper lady flounced out of the hall after the Supreme Leader's address to the nation. It was Rebekah Wade, editrix of the Currant Bun. Uncle Gordie's snub, devoting a mere 12 seconds of 63 gruelling minutes to her pet obsession of Europe, evidently upset the Maid of Wapping. My Brownsville snout overheard Wade bark, "I need to ring Rupert immediately." Rupert who? Rupert Everett? Rupert the Bear? Ah! Rupert Murdoch the Sun King. So that's how it works.
Tough Dave's spin doctor Andy "I Knew Nothing" Coulson is struggling to earn his £23,000 a month, every month. The ex-Screws of the World editor rang his pal at the Torygraph, Will Lewis, about a poll showing a 6 per cent Labour lead. "What are you going to do with it," inquired Andy Spin. "The only thing I can," giggled Lewis, "write it's good for Brown and bad for Cameron." "But you're supposed to be a Tory paper," pleaded Andy Spin. Quite so.
This column's world exclusive of a few weeks back, that Uncle Gordie's former gillie Charlie Whelan is to toil for the Unite trade union, was confirmed in Brownsville. But that's not the whole story. McWhelan, now living in a remote Highlands glen, was approached to stand for Labour in the mouthful that's Inverness, Nairn, Badenoch and Strathspey. Had colourful speaker McWhelan been elected, the seat would've been know as Bollocks North. His 1,000-mile weekly commute will leave a carbon footprint bigger than a Yeti.
Brownsville confused a couple of hacks. Times' scribbler Matthew Parris enjoyed breakfast after an early morning stroll, and discovered he'd wandered into the wrong hotel only after his key wouldn't open someone else's bedroom door. In another hotel, Sky word machine Adam Boulton woke in a panic, hurriedly dressing and shaving to interview Uncle Gordie. Only when Boulton looked at his watch did he realise it was 2.15am - early even for the Supreme Leader.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor(politics) of the Daily Mirror
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