The outgoing PM's speechwriter Phil "Gizza Seat" Collins has hit a discordant note by overblowing his own trumpet. The über-Blairite, threatening to quit Labour if Big Gordie became leader, yet now sailing as a Brownie in the hope of landing Bolton South East, poses as the chap who came up with Tony B's best lines. His boasting hasn't gone down well with David Bradshaw and Katherine Rimmer, who toil in the bowels of No 10 quietly producing fluent Blairspeak. Collins even takes credit for his boss's Cherie "won't run off with the man next door" quip that brought the house down in Manchester. Perhaps he forgot Alastair Campbell claimed it as his own, though I hear Baron Grocott, Blair's former bag carrier, could legitimately copyright the gag.
A split in the shadow cabinet triggered by Big Gordie's game of chicken with Druggie Dave over anti-terror laws. Action man David Davis and Dominic Grieve, legal eagle, are threatening to die in a ditch to fight proposals to lock up suspects beyond 28 days. David Willetts and Andrew Lansley are prepared to let them die. Cameron is worried about appearing soft on bombers. Muffled resignation threats from Davis-Grieve overheard by my snout. The very chaos Tough Gordon hopes to create.
Preparations for Big Gordie's reign continue with a 12 July champagne backslapper at the new Wembley Stadium, tables costing up to £15K. Roped in to the Labour fundraiser are Alex Ferguson, Monty Panesar (left), Tanni Grey-Thompson and the retired cricket umpire Dickie Bird, whom your correspondent assumed was a Tory. The apparatchik who sent begging letters announcing Blair would attend as Prime Minister is either out of touch or, worryingly, knows something we don't.
To the G8 in Heiligendamm, where security was so tight, we hacks needed to be double-escorted by a No 10 official and a German detective to parley with a spinmeister. As the Sky word mountain Adam Boulton awaited safe passage, a nicely spoken young chap joined him. "I suppose we're just hanging for the Gestapo," Boulton quipped to break the ice. "I am that policeman," came a reply in perfect English.
Taking unhealthy interest in the welfare of those sixtysomethings Peter Kilfoyle and Jim Dobbin is Lorna Fitzsimons, the seats of Liverpool Walton and Heywood and Middleton attracting the eye of the Siren of Israel and one-time MP. If all goes according to plan for the Unite union bigwig Jack Dromey, there'd be another Mr and Mrs in the Commons. He's sniffing about in Streatham, from where Keith Hill is retiring; the seat adjoins his wife, Harriet Harman's, Peckham.
Elbows akimbo as travelling hacks jostle to grin closest to the outgoing premier on his plane home from the Baltic coast. A sharp-eyed aide spotted it was testosterone-fuelled. Cue GMTV's Gloria de Piero and Reuters's Katherine Baldwin, ushered to the front to add some glam. Such touching attention to detail, when the end is nigh in Downing Street.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
