Druggie Dave ruffles diplomatic feathers and Big Brother sparks Trot tantrums

Fresh evidence the loans-for-lordships caravan may be running out of steam with the canning of a Panorama special. BBC business bod Robert "Ah-er-em" Peston's months of sleuthing were deemed insufficiently revelatory, perhaps because he failed to discover that a cult used wifi to murder a cricket coach who'd donated a few bob. Talk in the Brown Broadcasting Corporation is of the "Battle for Brown" between Ah-er-em and that Bilko lookie-likey, pol ed Nick Robinson. This pair of fighting mics clashed at a day's long navel-gazing into what Big Gordie will do, Pesto taking grave exception to Robbo's assertion that his rival had once claimed the premier-to-be wouldn't use Chequers. He will.

Ruffled feathers in diplomatic circles after Druggie Dave kept the Czech premier, Mirek Topolánek, waiting six minutes outside his office. Cameron was on the phone sorting out the grammar school mess. Touchy Topolánek is a leader with a high opinion of his status, who detests delays. So when he tipped up in Downing Street, schmoozer extraordinaire Tony Blair was on the doorstep to meet-and-greet. Foreign Office types mutter Cameron displayed damn poor manners for an Old Etonian.

I predict questions from the sisters to the catering committee after "Top Totty" was guest ale of the week in Strangers'. The affronted ladies' minister, Meg Munn, demanded removal of the brewer's badge on the pump, a scantily clad filly with rabbit ears, before her hubby could down a pint. The Libido Democrat Lembit Öpik ordered two pints, perhaps entertaining both Cheeky Girls.

"Boy George" Osborne's memory is failing. When Big Gordie got in a dig that the issue of Glamour mag with a Boy George interview came with a pair of flip-flops, Osborne spat back that at least he didn't talk about what's on his iPod. Hmm . . . what's this? The flip-flop edition of Glamour. Interviewer: "Who's on your iPod?" Boy George: "I've got Ta-Dah by the Scissor Sisters and the Killers' new album."

Trot tantrums in the SWP's weekly party notes under the intriguing head "Revolutionaries and Big Brother". Walthamstow comrade Carole Vincent (pictured) seemingly misunderstood the concept of entryism, following the miaowing Respect MP George Galloway by entering the dysfunctional Channel 4 home. "At no point did Carole consult the SWP leadership about joining the programme," declares the commissar, "and it is not part of our strategy to enter BB in order to manipulate the media." Quite. But the struggle, comrades, takes many forms not foreseen by Mr Trotsky.

News of the one-time Lib Dem spinner Mark Littlewood, swept out in a spring clean after briefing hacks that Ming the Merciless had ditched PR. He's taken his pay-off to Las Vegas. He'd get long odds on Ming surviving until the election, if the Yanks had heard of him.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

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