The Labour leader is dead, long live the Labour leader! Blairites flocking with indecent haste to the incoming premier's cause have triggered bold predictions of an end of factionalism. But I bring you news of a new split: Brownites v Brownies. Big Gordie's praetorian guard, veteran Brownites who fought at his side over 13 long years, have taken to calling recent Blairite converts the Brownies. The zeal of the eager young recruits, excited at joining the pack, is a cause of both amusement and resentment. The Brownite v Brownie struggle promises to keep us amused for several years.
Druggie Dave is finalising a reshuffle to counter Big Gordie. My Tory mole whispers that hairless William Hague (below) is lined up to replace tieless Francis Maude as chairman of the stunt machine previously known as the Tory party. The baldie tyke was assured over a beverage with Cameroon that he could be the comeback kid should ambitious "Boy George" Osborne nudge Druggie Dave under a bus. Perhaps the demands of a job in HQ, not conscience, explain why Hague sings less often for his supper these days.
Shivers down the spines of Brownies over the imminent return to government of a politico so loyal to Big Gordie he's even called Brown, Nick "Newcastle" Brown. The incoming premier's numbers man, the hidden hand in the leadership team, is guaranteed a top job. One Brownie cabinet minister prays every night to God (or should that be Gord?) that Nukie Brown won't be back as Mr Whippy. Since he's been there, done that and got the T-shirt, Big Gordie may grant the Brownie's wish and Nukie Brown will enjoy a car with a chauffeur and a nice desk in a big department.
Brothers backing John McDonnell's bid for the Labour crown discussed chartering a train to transport him around the country. Aslef lefties reckoned they could negotiate a discount on the 120K cost by threatening to strike. The idea hit the buffers when union bods recalled the SDP once organising a travelling conference, although a sealed carriage might have appealed to the Leninesque figure of McDonnell.
His Downing Street dream over for another contest, "Mad Mike" Meacher found sanctuary in the, err, Sanctuary public house a few hundred yards from the Mock Gothic Fun Palace. The unchosen one drowned his sorrows with white wine, half a dozen glum-looking staffers gathered round for comfort. A nearby radar-lugged reveller thought MM spoke of what might have been. Just 21 nominations tells its own tale.
Brrng, brrng. Treasury mandarin and one-time voice of the money ministry Mike Ellam is to succeed Tom "I'm Not Giving a Running Commentary" Kelly and daily brief lobby hacks under Big Gordie. Replacing David "Over the" Hill in the shadows will be Damian McBride, revelling in his "McNasty" image.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
