UK Politics
The Scottish play rebounds on Tony
Published 16 April 2007
The Prime Minister thinks a poll on Scots independence will derail Gordon's ambitions. But the Chancellor soon has other plans in train
Scene 1: Tony’s office. Margaret Beckett enters.
Tony: Ah, Margaret. I'm very worried about this Scottish independence business.
Beckett: Oh, it won't happen for years.
Tony: That's why I'm worried. I mean Labour's going to be wiped out on 3 May. And it'll all be my fault. Unless . . . Scotland's already a foreign country. You see what I'm driving at?
Beckett: A snap referendum.
Tony: Right.
Beckett: But the people don't want an independent Scotland.
Tony: The English people do. Let's give them their say in a national poll.
Beckett: But you're going to break up the Union.
Tony: No, no - just give it a good hard shake, that's all. And the public want it, so I have no choice.
Beckett: Yeah, and since when did you listen to the public?
Tony: All the time. Usually with my hands over my ears, but on this occasion I like what they're saying. Now, I've drafted the question. [Reads from a notepad] "Is it time for England and Wales to tell the sponging Scots to sling their hook and take their boozy, whingeing, thieving ways with them?"
Beckett: Er, Tony, that's a bit -
Tony: Too impartial? OK. How about this? "Tick here if you want Jock to piss off for ever." Much snappier.
Beckett: Well, the English will love it. And the Scots'll be so offended they'll probably agree to it, too.
Tony: Excellent. A huge majority for the Yes vote. So we'll hold the referendum next Thursday. And pass an Act of Separation with a one-line bill the following Monday. Sorted.
Beckett: Hang on. That means every Scottish MP will become a foreigner.
Tony: Right.
Beckett: Including . . . Gordon!
Tony: Ooh. Dearie me. Do you think he'll be cross?
Beckett: Just a bit.
Tony: Good. I like this plan more and more. Now we'll have to build an embassy in Edinburgh. And appoint some lightweight as ambassador.
Beckett: You're not . . . Are you dropping a hint?
Tony [laughs]: Oh, Margaret. Don't be silly. A lightweight? No, no, you're a complete zero.
Scene 2: Downing Street. A month later. Tony is packing his bags for a lecture tour of America. Cherie is watching TV in the lotus position. On the screen she sees Alex Salmond, newly installed as PM of independent Scotland, making an international appeal.
Salmond: Under our emergency powers we're requiring everyone born in Scotland to report to Holyrood within ten days and register with our programme for national renewal. Thanks, everyone. See you in Edinburgh.
Cherie: Er, bad news, Tony. You were born in Edinburgh.
Tony: Oh, he doesn't mean me. He's talking about the drunken neddies hanging around King's Cross.
Gordon enters.
Gordon: Packing for Edinburgh?
Tony: Washington. Got a lecture tour. Seen this on telly? Alex Salmond's turned into a dictator. Big surprise, eh? So - when are you popping up to Holyrood to get your instructions?
Gordon: Alex gave me special exemption.
Tony: Oh. Right. I'll have to get one of those.
Gordon: I wouldn't bother -
Tony: Of course not, no, no, I'm far too busy to . . . What's this?
Des Browne and Alistair Darling are standing in the doorway.
Gordon: Grab him, boys.
They move in, seize Tony and truss him up in string. Half an hour later, he's heading north at 105mph in the postal wagon of the Edinburgh Flyer.
Scene 3: Holyrood. Alex Salmond's office. Tony is slumped on the floor. He's been there for two hours and his bound wrists are starting to chafe. Alex swans in, drinking tea.
Salmond: Welcome home, Tony. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Tony: Look, can you untie me?
Salmond: Security precaution, I'm afraid. You entered Scotland illegally. You could be a terrorist.
Tony: I could be a terrorist?
Salmond: Oh, I apologise. You are a terrorist. My mistake. Now, when the courts have sorted out your status I'd like you to help to rebuild Scotland. I'm offering you two options . . .
Scene 4: Sunset on a Leith estate. A gang of 12-year-olds are swigging supermarket vodka while joyriders do handbrake turns in a stolen police car. Tony arrives wearing the uniform of a community patrol officer.
Tony [beams]: Guys? Hi there. Now look, I know it's no fun hanging around with sod all to do. I just spent a whole year like that myself. But I want you to tidy up here and go back to your broken homes.
Drunken kid: Get the fuck oot of here, y'twat!
Tony: Not possible, I'm afraid. I'm part of a hands-on initiative helping to spread the Respect Agenda to - oof! Don't throw stones. You could have hurt me.
Drunken kid: I didnae hurt you? How aboot this?
He throws a brick. Tony dodges and sprints away through the estate, followed by jeering children flinging rocks. He takes out his mobile.
Tony [into phone]: Alex? You win. Make me Scottish ambassador to Iraq.
Post this article to
We want to encourage people to comment on our content and to exchange views with other readers and hope this will be done on a courteous basis. However, if you encounter posts which are offensive please let us know by emailing comments@newstatesman.co.uk and we will take swift action where necessary.
