UK Politics
Can I go to a casino when I grow up?
Published 05 February 2007
The cardinal talks of sweet babies, Tony talks of sweet opportunities, John and Tessa talk of sweet profits, while Cherie talks of sweet freebies.
Scene 1: No 10. Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor is pleading with Tony for an exemption on gay adoption.
Murphy-O'Connor: Imagine if two lesbians came wanting to adopt a sweet, innocent baby. I'd have to say yes. That sweet, innocent baby would grow up in an all-female household where lesbianism was practised day and night.
Tony: Like in a convent? Yes, a rather limited upbringing, I see. Right, Your Eminence, I'll give you two more years to comply with the regulations.
Murphy-O'Connor: Thank you, Prime Minister.
Tony: And in return I want some career advice. As you know, I'm flirting with the Catholic Church but I never join an organisation unless I can get to the top.
Murphy-O'Connor: You aim to be Cardinal?
Tony: Higher.
Murphy-O'Connor: Pope?
Tony: That's chicken feed. I want to be a saint. How do I go about it?
Murphy-O'Connor: Isn't this rather premature?
Tony: Rather overdue, if you ask me.
Murphy-O'Connor: Well, canonisation requires evidence of three miracles incontestably associated with the influence of the candidate.
Tony: Three miracles? OK. Dobson and Short have served as cabinet ministers. And Beckett is Foreign Secretary.
Murphy-O'Connor: Usually the miracles involve salvation of the terminally ill.
Tony: I brought Labour back from the dead. How about that?
Murphy-O'Connor: Possibly. And you need to exhibit an uncommon measure of all the saintly virtues.
Tony: Such as?
Murphy-O'Connor: Humility?
Tony: Got bucketloads of that. You should see me grovel when I'm in Washington. It's disgusting. Mind you, it works.
Murphy-O'Connor: Love?
Tony: I love Cherie. She's a Catholic.
Murphy-O'Connor: That's carnal love. I mean the love of Jesus, and a commitment to Christian values.
Tony: Well, George and I have been spreading Christian values all round the world - they just haven't caught on.
Murphy-O'Connor: What about honesty?
Tony: Well, I'm a pretty straight kind of guy.
Murphy-O'Connor: And whose word do we have for that?
Tony: Mine.
Murphy-O'Connor: Mmm . . . I detect a certain circularity in your reasoning there, Prime Minister.
Tony: How appropriate. A circle. The symbol of moral perfection.
Murphy-O'Connor: Well, perhaps, but . . .
Tony: Good. Nearly there. What else do I have to do?
Murphy-O'Connor: Be persecuted and martyred for your beliefs.
Tony: I think my colleagues are going to take care of that. So I'm in with a shout.
Murphy-O'Connor: All good Catholics have an equal chance of canonisation.
Tony: Excellent. Now I want the whole thing rubber-stamped by the Vatican just before the election.
Murphy-O'Connor: Why?
Tony: To wind up that grumpy Scots bastard next door.
Beat.
Murphy-O'Connor: Let's talk a bit more about saintly virtues.
Scene 2: The Blairs' flat. Cherie is on eBay, checking recent bids on a copy of Bee Gees Complete snaffled from Robin Gibb's mansion in Florida.
Cherie: No bids! Can't give these damn disco records away.
She registers a bid of £100.
Cherie: That should get things started.
Leo trots in wearing his Spiderman suit.
Leo: Mummy, am I obese?
Cherie: No. That's Uncle Gordon.
Leo: Am I a size zero?
Cherie: No, I am. Well, near enough.
Leo: Do I eat too much salt?
Cherie: No.
Leo: Am I a chav?
Cherie: No, darling. Please. I'm busy.
Leo: Is the planet going to die?
Cherie: Not if we look after it properly.
Leo: What's Texas Hold 'Em?
Cherie: A game in a casino, Leo. Why all these questions?
Leo: Can I go to a casino when I grow up?
Cherie: Yes, if you want to give all your money to rich people who don't care about you.
Leo: Can I have a casino when I grow up?
Cherie: Of course, darling. That's the first clever thing you've said all day.
She hears champagne corks popping and she crosses to the window. Out in the street, Tessa Jowell and John Prescott are dancing around, celebrating the award of the super-casino to Manchester.
Prescott: I'm going to be rich. Rich!
Jowell: Er, hang on, John. You haven't invested in the casino?
Prescott: No, but I sank a few grand into a private firm offering counselling for gamblers.
Jowell: Why didn't I think of that?
Prescott: The champagne's on me.
Cherie returns to eBay. The bidding hasn't moved. She registers £120.
Cherie: That should get it . . . oh God. Run out of time! Silly Mummy!
Leo: What's wrong?
Cherie: I've just bought my own freebie.
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