The Mouth of the Mersey tells Steve McClaren she won’t pack her bags until July

The sound of teacups shaking on saucers was heard during a rumble in the genteel Pugin Room. It was Fatty v Basher when not-fit-for-purpose Charlie Clarke renewed verbal fisticuffs with the Tory slayer David Davis. Spying his old foe, Fatty turned to a guest and declared sniffily: "Of course, David claims my scalp." Basher, never one to see a belt without hitting below it, shot back: "No, Charles, you can claim that yourself." Ooooh . . . Cue Fatty departing huffily and the ex-SAS man treating himself to one of his thin, assassin's smiles. The feuding duo should have sat down to find common ground. Perhaps mutual love for Robominister John Reid?

The current (as I write) Home Secretary proved he was unfit for luncheon. Bustling into the Press Gallery, entourage in tow, he demanded to know where the scribblers were. Indeed, it looked a poor show: no hacks to be seen, when we'd invited him to be the star turn. A helpful straggler suggested he reread the invitation, which stated that the event was 400 metres away in the Churchill Room. Cue another Robominister U-turn as he rushed back into the lift. And to think he gets upset when accused of losing his way at the Home Office. Lunch guests waiting for Reid included Basher, who was overheard describing Charles Clarke as new Labour's finest home secretary. Talk of damning with faint praise.

Cherie Blair, it transpires, is determined to enjoy the splendour of Chequers until the summer. My mole recounted a recent Saturday soirée at the PM's country retreat, where one of the guests was the England manager Steve McClaren, at which the Mouth of the Mersey announced she won't pack her bags until July. Mr Blair hanging on in No 10 so Mrs Blair may enjoy more free weekends in Buckinghamshire smacks of one-family rule. Maybe Cherie could throw a party for Welsh and Scottish politicians who'll pay with their seats in May.

Cherie's vice-like grip on the keys to Chequers is no deterrent to Big Gordie, who stepped up plans to succeed her husband by appointing a second unpaid PPS to work with popular Ann Keen. The additional bag carrier is the Chris Evans lookalike Ian Austin, the Chancellor's former spin-doctor. Once well paid by Big Gordie, he'll now toil for free, proving that you can't buy loyalty. You don't have to, when you can get it for nothing.

St Valentine's pink champagne truffles are on sale at £5.95 a throw from the Despatch Box café in Portcullis House. The perfect gift from an MP to a wife or husband, or, if past practice is any guide, someone else's wife or husband. Next month the House authorities could offer cut-price divorces, the perfect prezzie for partners who don't enjoy the chocs.

Up early on a Sunday morning to sit on Andrew Marr's telly sofa, followed by a surprisingly good BBC breakfast. The Carry On legend Leslie Phillips, a cockney with a wonderfully distinctive upper-crust accent, was hugely entertaining if a little reticent about his political leanings. The mystery was solved when Phillips turned to Basher - yes, it was him again - and said: "Give my regards to your leader and tell him I'm prepared to do anything I can to help." The age of luvvies-for-Labour is over. Carry On Up the Tories!

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

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