Tony seeks a way to save the world - and his job - by inviting President Ahmadinejad and Prime Minister Olmert to tea.
Scene 1: No 10. Sir John Scarlett reads from an intelligence dossier. Tony sits, yawning.
Tony: Yeah, yeah, just give me the headline.
Scarlett: Israel is planning to knock out Iran's uranium-enrichment programme with a nuclear strike.
Tony: Oh yeah? In 45 minutes?
Scarlett: In the spring.
Tony: Oh, I get it. April the first, eh? April fool! Ha ha!
Scarlett: Early May is more likely. Longer nights, clearer skies. Prime Minister, we were wrong on Iraq but this is genuine. It's the big one. Could be Armageddon this time.
Tony: Armageddon. And in early May . . . Fantastic news, Sir John.
Scarlett: Sorry?
Tony: Well, I'll step in and broker a last-minute peace deal. What a curtain call! Blair cancels World War III. Just in time for the local elections. Top that, Gordon. [Picks up the phone] Get me Jerusalem. I feel a peace conference coming on.
Scene 2: A week later. No 10. Tony welcomes President Ahmadinejad and Prime Minister Olmert to a top-secret meeting.
Tony: Good, good. Thanks for coming, chaps. Have you two, er, met?
Ahmadinejad: Hello, you corrupt capitalist parasite.
Olmert: Hello, you goat-screwing Neanderthal.
Tony: Good, now we've got that off our chests, let's get down to business. So we've got ourselves into a silly old nuclear stand-off here, haven't we? But no one really wants it.
Olmert: He wants it, the racist warmongering bastard son of a bitch.
Ahmadinejad: You're the racist warmongering bastard son of a bitch!
Tony: Excellent! Four key areas of agreement already. After that tricky but productive opening session, let's take a break.
He pours tea and offers biscuits.
Tony: HobNob, Mr President?
Ahmadinejad: I take nothing from the hand of an imperialist pig.
Tony: Right. Are we going to trade insults all day?
Ahmadinejad: All year if necessary. Till the ends of the earth!
Tony: I see. Er, Ehud, HobNob?
Olmert: Thank you. I see my enemy is afraid of English sweetbreads.
Ahmadinejad: What?
Olmert: So I gladly accept the challenge of the HobNob. [He eats a biscuit and raises a salute] Jerusalem belongs to the Jews!
Ahmadinejad: Afraid? A Muslim is afraid of nothing. You take one Hobnob? See, I devour two. [Makes a salute] God is great!
He crams two HobNobs into his mouth.
Olmert: Two? I take three, you bloodthirsty dictator!
He stuffs in three HobNobs.
Ahmadinejad: I take four, you camel-kissing hypocrite!
Olmert: I take five, Hitler-loving coward!
Ahmadinejad: I take six, pig-sucking despot!
Tony: Er, steady, chaps!
The two leaders spit insults - "War criminal! Murderer!" - spraying HobNob crumbs everywhere.
Tony [calls]: Er, Cherie? Get the Hoover.
Scene 3: Later.
Tony: Welcome back, chaps. Now the Foreign Office has drawn up the 6 May Agreement, which I hope you'll be able to sign.
Ahmadinejad: May the sixth? A Christian saint's day?
Tony: Er, my birthday, actually. Pure coincidence. Now the draft treaty on Jerusalem goes as follows. [Reads] "The disputed territory will be held in trust by the UN for 50 years, after which it will pass into the control of an internationally mandated authority administered by a council of delegates appointed by the interested parties in a ratio to be decided by an annual plebiscite and with the elective arrangements revertible to an alternative system provided that two-thirds of the council agrees, but only after the decision has been ratified by a further universal plebiscite to be held no later than 2057, whereafter the arrangements shall continue in perpetuity."
He beams.
Olmert: You think Jerusalem is as simple as that? You westerners, with your easy solutions. I spit on your May the Sixth Agreement.
Ahmadinejad: You spit on it? I tear it to pieces. [He rips it up]
Olmert: You tear it to pieces? I burn it to ashes! [He lights a match]
Ahmadinejad: Burn it? I vomit on it. Blurrhgggh! [He tries to be sick]
Olmert: Vomit on it? I defecate on it. [He unbelts his trousers]
Tony: Er, hold it there, chaps. I think that's lunch.
Scene 4: Later. The Blairs' flat. Cherie is meditating under a sunlamp.
Tony enters.
Tony: Seen the Chuckle Brothers anywhere?
Cherie: They're babysitting Leo.
Tony: Oh God.
Tony enters the nursery. Leo is being fought over by the two leaders.
Ahmadinejad: He likes me best.
Olmert: He likes me.
Leo: I hate you both.
Olmert: Shut up.
Ahmadinejad: I had him first. Give him back.
Olmert: Let go of him! Now. Or Tehran gets nuked.
Ahmadinejad: Nuke Tehran? We'll flatten Tel Aviv first.
Tony: Chaps, let's sit down and talk about . . .
Ahmadinejad: Go to hell.
He storms out.
Cherie [calls]: How's World War III, darling?
Tony: Just started.
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