A bit of a blonde moment - Tony likes Hillary, but Hillary likes Gordon, and Cherie doesn't like any of it.
Scene 1: Tony is flicking through Who’s Who and planning his Easter holiday. John Reid trots in wearing trainers and a green parka.
Tony: Hi John, how's the new split-down-the-middle Home Office?
Reid: The officials love it, Tony. Now they can be in two minds about everything. Ha! But seriously, there's twice as much work to do.
He pulls on a pair of mittens and starts jogging on the spot.
Tony: Are you going beagling?
Reid: Hunting down absconded murderers. It's great exercise. Why don't you come with me?
Tony: I'm expecting Hillary Clinton any minute.
Reid: You've just missed her. She went straight into the Treasury.
Tony: What? Cheeky cow!
Scene 2: The Treasury. Gordon is introducing Hillary to the Treasury team with a touch of American razzamatazz.
Gordon: She's blonde, she's classy, she's brainy and she's brassy. She's the most powerful American to wear a dress since J Edgar Hoover. I present the future President, Hillary Clinton.
Hillary: Thank you, Gordon. I would blush but it's all true. Now what would you like me to talk about? The medium-term balance of payments crisis or my life with Bill?
Treasury Team: Bill! Tell us about Bill!
Gordon: No, I want to hear about the medium-term balance of - oh all right, let's enjoy ourselves.
The door opens. Tony enters, fuming
Tony: Started without me, eh? Good to see you, Hillary. Sorry to barge in but I am still the prime minister.
Beat.
Hillary: Do I know this guy?
Gordon: Blair. He lives next door on a short-term lease.
Hillary takes out her itinerary.
Hillary: Blair. Rings a bell . . . Blair.
Tony: You aren't going to see me?!
Hillary: Think so. Ah, here we are. "T Blair". Ten minutes tomorrow. Between K Livingstone and S Coe, whoever they are. See you then.
Scene 3: Later. Hillary and Gordon are alone, discussing international relations.
Gordon: Iraq's a disaster. Every week it costs us enough to build a school, a hospital and a prison.
Hillary: Well, it costs us enough to build two schools, three hospitals and six prisons - on the moon.
Gordon: I'm pulling out as soon as I'm in charge.
Hillary: Sure, but I've got a big problem. I voted for the invasion.
Gordon: Well yes, but don't blame yourself. You were misled. We all were. What we need is a big cathartic moment to draw the sting from Iraq. Now, here's my plan . . .
Scene 4: Next day. La Pont de la Tour. Cherie and Tony are seated at a table, waiting impatiently for Hillary.
Cherie: I hope she's not expecting us to split the bill. I'm going to fix my hair.
Tony: What for? It looks gorgeous.
Cherie: I know. It's just a tactic. I can't believe she's kept us waiting! Jumped-up bottle-blonde trollop.
Cherie flounces off. Tony sips his wine. The door swings open and Hillary marches in flanked by six police officers. Tony rises.
Tony: Hillary, hi. You're looking gorgeous.
Hillary: Anthony Lynton Blair, I'm arresting you on charges of genocide, torture, waging aggressive war, and abusive treatment of the truth.
Tony: Haha! Good one, Hill. Have a seat. Cherie's doing her hair. She gets very envious when there's a gorgeous blonde in the vicinity.
Hillary: Cut the smarm. I'm serious. You're under arrest.
Tony: On whose authority?
Hillary: The International Criminal Court.
Tony: But you don't recognise it.
Hillary: So what? You guys do. Now, you have a right to remain silent but anything you do say will be treated as the usual self-serving bullshit. Cuff him.
Tony: Hang on. You voted for the invasion!
Hillary: Only because I believed the propaganda. And I've admitted my mistake.
Tony: OK, OK, I made a mistake too.
Hillary: Iraq was a mistake?
Tony: Of course. I thought we'd have a normal western-style democracy by now, you know, with Moqtada al-Sadr starting up some wishy-washy Liberal-style party who'd be busy stalling parliamentary business in return for a footling change to the electoral system. That was my dream: a modern, thrusting Iraq with a fully dysfunctional democracy. Like ours.
Hillary: Too late. Take him away.
Tony is bundled into a prison van.
Scene 5: Inside the van. Tony is addressing his guards.
Tony: . . . but what's important is that at the time I sincerely believed it was the right thing to do and I still bel- Hey?
The door opens and Tony is thrown out. He lands in the courtyard of an open prison. The van drives off. Tony looks around. No fences or guards. He sprints into the nearby forest. A dark shape drops out of a tree and squashes him flat. It's John Reid.
Tony: John? Thank God. Let me go.
Reid: No chance. Right, lads! Another escaped murderer rounded up.
Tony: Who are you calling a murderer?
Reid: Oh, sorry. Wrong title. Mass murderer.
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