Young David gets into a spot of bother, John learns a simile, and Tony cowers in the bushes, while Cherie needs some diagnostic help for her boy's education.
Scene 1: A flagship city academy in inner London. A new arrival pushes open the door to the sixth form. He is approached by a lanky kid.
Lanky Kid: Who are you?
New Boy: David Miliband.
Lanky Kid: Sound like a posh twat.
Miliband: Well, no, I'm just -
Lanky Kid: What are you doing here anyway?
Miliband: Er, well the school leaving age has been raised to 18 so I have to complete two more years of education.
Lanky Kid: Empty your pockets.
Miliband: What??
The lanky kid produces a knife and grabs Miliband's wallet and keys.
Lanky Kid [holding up a card]: What's this?
Miliband: My Labour party membership card.
Lanky Kid: Cheers. You can buy it back from me tomorrow.
Miliband: How much?
Lanky Kid: Tenner.
Miliband: It's not worth that much. How about 10p?
Lanky Kid: You what?
He floors Miliband with a punch to the head.
Scene 2: The Blairs' flat. Tony is examining the extradition rules for former heads of government arrested in non-EU countries. Miliband limps in, swathed in bandages and holding his phone.
Tony: Ah, David. Good first day?
Miliband: Fascinating. I got mugged at knifepoint and beaten up and when I went to the police station it was closed.
Tony: Why didn't you call 999?
Miliband: I'm still trying. They put me on hold. I've been listening to "Greensleeves" since yesterday.
Tony: Oh, well. Better luck tomorrow. Toodle-pip.
Miliband: I'm not going back.
Tony: Oh yes you are.
Miliband: I can't, Tony. Please don't make me.
Tony: All right, no need to cry. Here's what I'll do. Big secret, right? Cherie is home-schooling Leo. You can join them next door.
Scene 3: Cherie's classroom. Miliband has joined Leo and another pupil.
Cherie: OK, class. Look this way, please. Grammar and syntax today. Now who can define "simile" for me?
Leo: A figure of speech that uses explicit comparison for ornament or illustration.
Cherie: Good. An example?
Leo: Uncle Gordon's fat face wobbles like a big stupid jelly.
Cherie: Well done. Another example from the new boy?
Miliband: Tony Blair has transformed Britain, like Christ, only better.
Cherie: Excellent. And our remedial pupil?
John Prescott: Eh? No idea, love. Thick as two short planks, me.
Cherie: An excellent simile, John. Well done. Now, sums. Four times seven, anyone? Leo?
Leo: Mmm, I think it's, er . . .
Cherie: No hurry, darling. While you're working it out - John, could you tell me what's two plus three?
Prescott scratches his head.
Cherie: Think of it like this. Two secretaries are waiting for you in Admiralty Arch and three in Dorneywood. What does that make?
John Prescott: A bloody good weekend.
Cherie: Leo, tell John. Two plus three?
Leo: 70 million?
Cherie: It's five, darling. What's wrong?
Leo: Don't like sums. Can't do them.
Cherie: Tony! I think Leo's got a problem with numbers.
Scene 4: A week later. Cherie shows Tony a child psychologist's report on Leo.
Cherie: He's generally quite bright but he can barely count.
Tony: Oh, he'll get by. Never did me any harm.
Cherie: But he won't be able to work out tax dodges or compare prices on the internet or calculate discounts in the sales . . .
Tony: It's not that important.
Cherie: A life without shopping? You heartless bastard. I'm enrolling him in a private school right now.
Tony: But darling, what will I tell the press?
Cherie: Exactly what Ruth Kelly told them. He's "special needs".
Scene 5: A luxury private school. The Blair helicopter lands on the cricket pitch. Cherie steps out with Leo. Tony cowers inside and scans the bushes for cameramen.
Headteacher: Er, Mrs Blair, I got your call and -
Cherie: Hi there. Get his maths sorted, thanks. See you.
Headteacher: I'm afraid dyscalculia isn't a clinically recognised condition.
Cherie: Well it's high time it was. [Points to a child] I mean, what's that little boy got? He looks perfectly normal.
The headteacher beckons to the lad.
Headteacher: What's your name?
Boy: David Miliband.
Headteacher: You suffer from?
Miliband: Socially Avoidant Personality Disorder.
Headteacher: Really? Gosh, that's a long sentence, isn't it? Explain to the nice lady what it means.
Miliband: I'm shy.
Headteacher: Excellent. Run along.
Miliband toddles off.
Headteacher: As you can see, Mrs Blair, all our pupils have special needs.
Cherie: That's so unfair.
She takes out her mobile and punches in a number.
Cherie: Ruth? It's Cherie. I need the name of the child psychologist. I've got a little diagnostic problem I need him to take care of.
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