My children watch a film and then practice ju-jitsu kicks. I watch a documentary and get heavy period pains
By Sean French - 24 January 12:00

It's now a month since Christmas and our 12 year old has watched The Matrix at least six times. Admittedly the film is supposed to be restricted to people aged 15 and above, but I don't understand the certification system in this country.

Paul Routledge
By Paul Routledge - 24 January 12:00

Collectivism is dead, executed by new Labour, as we know. But hark! Fresh stirrings in the undergrowth.

If Tyson played tennis he would get a warmer welcome
By Cristina Odone - 24 January 12:00

Woody Allen wants to move to London. He feels, according to a forthcoming biography, that his affair with his ex-lover's adopted teenage daughter didn't go down too well in America.

Would the police dare to stop and search Max Hastings?
By Darcus Howe - 24 January 12:00

Stop and search is back. Well, not quite. We are three quarters of the way there. The police have invented something quite ridiculous - stop and talk. And then maybe, maybe not, the search.

Three wives, five years in the SWP, barley sugar theft: my ministerial career will be ruined
By Laurie Taylor - 24 January 12:00

I can't think what brought it on, but all week I've been imagining that I was a high-ranking government minister and was suddenly required to produce a coherent explanation for one or other of my past moral lapses.

Kosovo, close to being a Mafia state, is littered with unexploded bombs. That's the result of ethical Blairism
By John Pilger - 24 January 12:00

The Blair government's resumption of arms sales to Indonesia ends an unreported hoax. The four-month "ban", supposedly in re-sponse to the renewed repression in East Timor, was hardly a ban at all.

Aitken gets the quality of mercy that we deny to children
By Cristina Odone - 17 January 12:00

Jonathan Aitken may have been studying the Bible in the nick, but as homecomings went, his did not exactly follow the script of the parable: no jubilant rejoicing, no killing of the fatted calf.

Paul Routledge
By Paul Routledge - 17 January 12:00

In the upper reaches of the Treasury a particularly maladroit form of words is known as "a Holmes". This has nothing to do with the Home Office computer of the same name, but with Tony Blair's host in Portugal over the New Year holiday, the ambassador in Lisbon, John Holmes.

Ali G is a great act; his critics are just jealous
By Darcus Howe - 17 January 12:00

There is a stampede to the door of the comedian Ali G. An anti-racist clutch of black comedians have deemed him racist.

"Think of your best orgasm," said Claudia. We did our best. "Now imagine that times 1,000"
By Laurie Taylor - 17 January 12:00

Try as we might we simply couldn't get Claudia off cocaine.

Living to be 110 is all very well, but the advantage of being dead is that I won't have to clean the juicer
By Sean French - 17 January 12:00

Have you heard about "clean slate syndrome"? It is - reputedly - a new psychotherapeutic term invented to deal with the tendency for married people to respond to the onset of the "new millennium" by getting divorced.

Forget the camping holidays: just give the cash to schools
By Cristina Odone - 10 January 12:00

For Americans, summer camp is a rite of passage.

Up before the beak, charged with a rum assault
By Darcus Howe - 10 January 12:00

I entered the holiday period on top of the world. The stipendiary magistrate at Camberwell court saw to that.

Don't be fooled by debt relief: it's just another way of reshaping the third world to the demands of capital
By John Pilger - 10 January 12:00

The recent announcement by the British government that it is to "cancel third world debt" was a propaganda triumph. What a joy, sang the Guardian. Debt forgiveness, said Bob Geldof, was an "instinct" that was "deeply rooted" in Tony Blair's background.

Never mind the first baby of the millennium - as Big Ben chimed, I was almost the first stiff
By Laurie Taylor - 10 January 12:00

After Geoff had taken control and persuaded the rest of the party that there was about as much chance of getting an ambulance over to Muswell Hill five minutes before midnight on Millennium Eve as there was of finding some decent alternative to Gaby Roslin on the box, they decided that the only

Right, you can stop furrowing your brows now - here are the answers to my Christmas quiz
By Sean French - 10 January 12:00

There were some very impressive answers to my Christmas quiz, which just demonstrated once more that my readers are more intelligent than I am. Here are the answers:

Just gently touch my face (above) with your forefinger. Then try to answer these questions
By Sean French - 20 December 12:00

This summer I was sitting by a campfire when one of my companions said that there was a red squirrel on the trunk of the oak tree by the edge of the clearing. I couldn't see it. That was because the squirrel was on the far side of the trunk.

The new mayor has to make the police tell the truth
By Darcus Howe - 20 December 12:00

Trevor Phillips, on that rough road to the deputy mayoralty of London, has just hit a troubled patch.

I'm lucky. Even if the world ends on New Year's Eve, the Turkish shop at the end of my road will still be open
By Suzanne Moore - 20 December 12:00

All this millennium nonsense was designed, I feel, to show me up. Yes, I take it very personally - it has all been done to expose me as a terribly superficial person with some sort of attention deficit disorder. I can barely remember what happened last week, never mind 1,000 years ago.

One minute I'm enjoying a Christmas drink; the next I'm accused of being an addict
By Laurie Taylor - 20 December 12:00

It was supposed to be a Christmas drinks party for my department at the BBC, but after a mere five rounds at the Yorkshire Grey some people were already sagging.

Paul Routledge
By Paul Routledge - 20 December 12:00

Wherever Tony Blair goes to church on Christmas Day, you may be sure that the setting is appropriately, and unmistakably, Christian.

Don't lump me with Cliff Richard, just because I'm a Christian
By Cristina Odone - 20 December 12:00

I'm fed up with the prejudice I encounter every day. The snide asides, the jokes, the condescension. I am the victim of the one kind of bigotry that our society sanctions - bias against Christians.

I can only enjoy my trips to Brighton if I move my bed three feet nearer the window
By Laurie Taylor - 13 December 12:00

Even though it sent the headboard crashing to the floor I finally managed to manoeuvre the bed a good three feet nearer to the window and rearrange the duvet and the pillows so that later on that night I'd be able to sleep with my head towards the sea and hear the familiar screeching of the shal

Paul Routledge
By Paul Routledge - 13 December 12:00

New baby notwithstanding, life is not exactly plain sailing in Downing Street. Bill Bush, former head of political research at the BBC, who perhaps unwisely accepted the new Labour shilling (or many thousands of them), is unhappy about his obscure new role as Tony Blair's adviser.

Doris Lessing thinks kids can learn to read from the Bible. Has she seen the illiteracy rates for the 17th century?
By Sean French - 13 December 12:00

One of the incidental pleasures of December is the "International Books of the Year" feature in the Times Literary Supplement.

Nigerians want to halt a British TV series: what a cheek!
By Darcus Howe - 13 December 12:00

The Nigerian high commissioner requires that Channel 4 cancels Lagos Airport at once. The series gives the country a bad name, he says, at a time when it is eager to attract foreign investment.

The New Statesman Profile - Southwark borough
By Paul Barker - 13 December 12:00

Once the stupidest borough in London, it is now a model of Blairite enterprise for a new Britain. Th

The siege of Seattle marked the rise of a popular resistance to the evils of globalisation
By John Pilger - 13 December 12:00

The siege of the World Trade Organisation in Seattle shocked those who speak for western power.

The New Statesman Profile - Yvette Cooper
By Yvette Cooper - 06 December 12:00

A mother and a minister at 30, could she one day be chancellor in a Gordon Brown government? Yvette

For traditional Tory women, a speech by Michael Heseltine was the closest they ever got to oral sex
By Suzanne Moore - 06 December 12:00

I feel about as sorry for Mary Archer as I do for Hillary Clinton and Christine Hamilton - that is, not a bit. All the rubbish that has been spouted about these women standing by their men is thoroughly misguided.

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