As she scans my Chilean red wine, I notice that the woman on the checkout has eaten the quick from her fingernails.
Recently, I met a self-proclaimed bibliophile who, having hit his forties, had decided to "reread Dickens". I feigned admiration, but my real emotion was closer to bafflement.
All of the cheese and most of the onion land on my groin. I curse. The motorway has been clogged all the way from London. I've driven less than 100 miles in two hours.
Pop star, actress, care worker for the elderly. This, it seems, will be the professional trajectory of Noriko Sakai, the Japanese starlet who has been on trial in a Tokyo courtroom for drug use and possession.
As the jobless count continues to rise, it has been predicted that bank bonuses could reach £6bn. Is this the sign of recovery, or is there an alternative?
God damn it, another hole in my shoe. Remember that bit where Withnail complains that he's nearly 30 and the sole's flapping off his shoe?
We're in a public park on a sunny day. All is pretty much as good as it could be. We live in what is still a wealthy country, and it isn't raining.
I'm a celebrity. You might not realise it yet. You might have me down more as a funnyman of moderate repute.
To the dentist. First with my eldest son, who has been complaining of pains that are like toothache, but are not exactly toothache.
So, to sum up the past few weeks of pontificating by Gordon and George: "GET A JOB!" Yes, there were "policies" and "vision", but there was also
"Well, that's what happens when you have three Weetabix for your breakfast." So said the Sky News anchor as the camera cut back to her after Adam Boulton's interview with the Prime Mini
You may think - if you're a woman with a full-time job - that your career is a way of paying the bills. Perhaps you even think you enjoy it.
Recently, I read 2666 by Roberto Bolaño, a book that has been acclaimed as the greatest novel of the decade so far. I say "recently": actually it took me most of my life to date.
Where do you live?
Christchurch, New Zealand.
Snappy titles, unfortunately, are not the Joseph Rowntree Foundation's strong point. It's hardly the most important thing about their reports, but it's still a bit of a shame.
I want a coffee but I can't get one.