The NS Interview: Alan B’Stard, former MP

“Get out of Afghanistan, Dave — there are safer places to get opium.”

Were you elated at the collapse of New Labour?
Actually, I had mixed feelings. It's not widely known, but New Labour was my invention, a party designed to be even more accommodating to the interests of big business than the Tories. Tony understood. Gordon never got it.

Peter Mandelson claims that he was the architect of New Labour.
Well, he would, wouldn't he?

Did you vote in this year's election?
Let's just say I helped to influence the outcome.

Do you think the coalition will succeed in turning around the economy?
I'll do the jokes, thank you very much.

Will the Lib Dems survive the coalition?
I refer you to my answer of a few moments ago.

What's your opinion of the proposed changes to the voting system?
I'm in favour of them. The Alternative Vote is quite a complicated system, requiring electors to rank candidates in order of preference. This should deter a largely bovine and innumerate electorate from attempting to cast their ballots, which can only improve governance. Surely it's no coincidence that this nation's decline commenced around the time the right to vote was extended to women and the working classes.

What are the main challenges facing the new government?
You mean apart from a total lack of political nous and knowledge of the real world? The central problem is the lack of true radicalism. When this country was great, we didn't have the welfare state, a National Health Service or free education. What we did have was an empire, no income tax and a fucking big navy. You don't need a PhD to work it out, do you?

And if the government asked for your advice?
I'd tell them to start thinking outside the box. For example, Rupert Murdoch told me in confidence that he would throw his weight and cash behind the coalition if only Vince Cable would change his name to Vince Satellite. And yet the man refuses. I'd also tell Dave to get out of Afghanistan as quickly as possible. There are far safer places where one can obtain top-grade opium.

Are we in for a double-dip recession?
We'll be lucky to get away with double. Banking and property were the only profitable sectors of the economy, and these are the very
industries that the coalition is about to destroy. Either Butter Osborne has no idea or he's a secret Trotskyite.

How can you say banking was profitable? The state bailed out banks to the tune of £150bn.
The banks may not have made money, but bankers made a fortune, and spent their bonuses on enormous houses. If you ever sold your pathetic flat in north London at a profit, thank a banker for ramping up the market.

Are you opposed to tax increases, then?
Yes, but only on principle, as I don't pay tax.

You're a non-dom?
No, I just don't pay tax.

Are you taking an interest in the Labour leadership election?
Yes, in the same way I take an interest in London Zoo's attempts to persuade giant pandas to mate. The process is long-winded, pathetic and bound to end in failure.

Who is going to be the next Labour leader?
Does it matter? The party has no policies or reason to exist. And consider the candidates: three men too spineless to oppose Gordon Brown when he was driving the party bus over the cliff, one man who - amazingly - actually thought Brown knew what he was doing, and Diane Abbott, known mainly for appearing on late-night TV with those other left-wing firebrands Michael Portillo and Andrew Neil.

Now that you have retired from full-time politics, how do you spend your time?
Mind-boggling quantities of sex, mostly. But that doesn't mean I have renounced politics, as Sarah Palin will confirm if you drop 5mg of something into her drink. There's a girl who really swings to the right. And I mean swings.

What about your business interests?
I have a vast and complex business empire, manipulating world markets in several commodities. It can be hard work - it's tricky organising catastrophic oil well explosions, you know. But I simply wasn't prepared to pay full price for BP, soon to be rebranded B'Stard Petroleum.

Was there a plan?
Just the usual. World domination. Infinite sex. Immortality. So far, so good.

What would you like to forget?
You. And England's pathetic performance in the World Cup. But mainly you.

Are we all doomed?
You're all doomed. I'm going to be fine.

Defining Moments

1987 Elected to the seat of Haltemprice, becoming the then youngest Tory MP at 31
1989 Attempts to assassinate Gorbachev
1990 Following (true) reports of his affairs with teenage girls, sues the Times - and wins
1992 Kills Robert Maxwell, having smuggled him out of Britain for a large fee
1993 Orchestrates Black Wednesday
1997 Tony Blair, his protégé, comes to power
2007 Abandons New Labour to become head of the World Bank