Television
Broadcaster on the rocks
Published 06 March 2008
ITV's fortunes will continue to slide if it keeps producing drama this awful
Rock Rivals ITV
Rock Rivals (weekdays, 8pm or 9pm) is a new ITV drama inspired by one of the network's biggest hits, The X-Factor, and I have read that Simon Cowell, who acted as some kind of consultant on it, watched the first episode "through closed fingers", so embarrassing did he find it. This is saying something. I've interviewed Simon Cowell. He does not clench his buttocks unless under extreme provocation - the result, I assume, of having watched all those "auditions". Nor, for that matter, do I. Ordinarily I can endure any amount of rubbish, so long as I've got a plate of salami and a glass of wine to hand.
To sit through Rock Rivals, however, you need more than cured meats and a crisp white. You need more than Mogadon and neat vodka. Has there ever been a more wildly, unendurably, preposterously awful programme than this? Possibly not. Come back Triangle and Howards' Way. All is forgiven, Babes in the Wood and Going for Gold. Minipops - we love you! Seriously. This is the kind of television that makes you think: where is dear old Keith Chegwin?
You know things are desperate when a broadcaster believes that the only way it can produce a hit is to cannibalise one of its other successes - especially if the success in question is a reality show so hammy, it's halfway to being fiction already. But if programme-makers must go down this weirdly incestuous and rank alley - I refuse to dignify it with the adjective "postmodern" - at least let them give it their all: great cast, sassy writing, good in-jokes. The trouble is, they already did that with Moving Wallpaper, didn't they? So, instead, they dish up Footballers' Wives (the show is made by Shed Media, the company that brought us Tanya and Chardonnay in all their tandoori glory), substituting a green room for the locker room.
Look carefully, and you will notice that Hazel Bailey, the predatory lesbian agent in FW, has morphed into the shouty council-house mum of a Rock Rivals competitor. Actually, you don't need to look carefully. She's still Hazel Bailey, only now she is wearing a velour tracksuit rather than ten grand's worth of Gucci.
Karina (Michelle Collins) and Malcolm Faith (Sean Gallagher) are judges on the "Rock Rivals" show, the twist, or tiny little knot, being that they are married. Karina, however, has discovered that Mal has been getting frisky with a studio runner called Jinx Jones, so now their rivalry is real rather than pumped up for the cameras. Uh oh. Will Mal's protégé Luke win "Rock Rivals"? Or will Karina's hopeful, Bethany?
Don't look at me. Karina and Mal are so entirely without charm or interest, and their wannabe stars so hopelessly dull and babyish, I could not give a damn either way. This is mystifying casting. Gallagher, even when he is doing his very best acting, resembles nothing so much as a giant constipated rat in a Burton suit. As for Collins, she is a magna cum laude graduate of the suck-your-cheeks-in-and-smudge-your-mascara school of drama, and is therefore always the same, whatever the role.
A lot has happened at ITV in recent days. Peter Fincham, the former controller of BBC1, has been installed as the network's director of television, and Simon Shaps, the previous incumbent in the job, has departed. ITV bigwigs insist that the change of personnel has nothing to do with the station's new schedule, masterminded by Shaps; according to Rupert Howell, an ITV managing director, the changes "have gone very well". So, they are happy with loony-tunes shows like The Palace and Rock Rivals. They don't mind that Moving Wallpaper has such low ratings, or that no one knows what to do with its bizarre sister, Echo Beach. I don't think so. But I do fear that ITV's collective nervous breakdown has not borne its final shrivelled fruit just yet. Coming soon is Lost in Austen, in which a Jane Austen fan steps into her favourite novel. Yes, it's Pride and Prejudice meets . . . what? Ashes to Ashes? Fincham is going to have to beware commissioning editors bearing gnawed bones.
Pick of the week
Rivers of Blood
8 March, 9pm, BBC2
Enoch Powell’s speech revisited.
Delia
Starts 10 March, 8.30pm, BBC2
Classic TV chef returns with tips on how to cook tinned mince.
Wonderland: the Curious World of Frinton-on-Sea
12 March, 9.50pm, BBC2
Marc Isaacs turns a beady eye on the Essex resort.
Post this article to
We want to encourage people to comment on our content and to exchange views with other readers and hope this will be done on a courteous basis. However, if you encounter posts which are offensive please let us know by emailing comments@newstatesman.co.uk and we will take swift action where necessary.
