Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. Make no mistake: Iain Duncan Smith wants the end of social security (Guardian)

Don't let the bluster, incompetence and misinformation obscure the Quiet Man's true, Tory purpose: destroying the welfare safety net, says Zoe Williams. 

2. Now Labour could become the party of marriage and the family (Daily Telegraph)

Voters want leaders who can promise good care for their children and elderly relatives, writes Mary Riddell. 

3. Don’t wallow in victimhood. Rise above it (Times)

Figures such as Sharansky and Mandela understood that saying ‘it’s tough being me’ is self-destructive, writes Daniel Finkelstein. 

4. Asset managers could blow us all up (Financial Times)

When funding conditions turn, relying on cheap dollars to finance local assets can be lethal, says Martin Wolf. 

5. The Mandela coverage and the banality of goodness (Guardian)

To discuss Mandela alongside Mother Teresa, Gandhi and Jesus is barking mad, writes Simon Jenkins. I bet he's laughing his head off right now.

6. Taxes will rise if we reject the nanny state (Times)

We may resent encouragements to stop smoking and improve our health but we all benefit in the end, says Alice Thomson. 

7. Netanyahu’s refusal to attend Mandela’s memorial service speaks of Israel’s growing isolationism (Independent)

The Israeli prime minister's apparent devotion to penny-pinching represents a startling change of heart, says Matthew Norman. 

8. Why must our governments be so incompetent at IT? (Times)

If supermarkets and airlines can do it, so should civil servants, says Ross Clark. 

9. Despite the economic misery of the last five years, Europe remains a success story (Independent)

Now the target is human capital – clever, talented and rich people, writes Hamish McRae. 

10. As society ages, care leave is the new frontline (Guardian)

About 5 million people have given up work partly or entirely to look after others, writes Jackie Ashley. They need a bit of help and legal protection.

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.
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An alternative Trainspotting script for John Humphrys’ Radio 4 “Choose Life” tribute

Born chippy.

Your mole often has Radio 4’s Today programme babbling away comfortingly in the background while emerging blinking from the burrow. So imagine its horror this morning, when the BBC decided to sully this listening experience with John Humphrys doing the “Choose Life” monologue from Trainspotting.

“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got Radio 4?” he concluded, as a nation cringed.

Introduced as someone who has “taken issue with modernity”, Humphrys launched into the film character Renton’s iconic rant against the banality of modern life.

But Humphrys’ role as in-studio curmudgeon is neither endearing nor amusing to this mole. Often tasked with stories about modern technology and digital culture by supposedly mischievous editors, Humphrys sounds increasingly cranky and ill-informed. It doesn’t exactly make for enlightening interviews. So your mole has tampered with the script. Here’s what he should have said:

“Choose life. Choose a job and then never retire, ever. Choose a career defined by growling and scoffing. Choose crashing the pips three mornings out of five. Choose a fucking long contract. Choose interrupting your co-hosts, politicians, religious leaders and children. Choose sitting across the desk from Justin Webb at 7.20 wondering what you’re doing with your life. Choose confusion about why Thought for the Day is still a thing. Choose hogging political interviews. Choose anxiety about whether Jim Naughtie’s departure means there’s dwindling demand for grouchy old men on flagship political radio shows. Choose a staunch commitment to misunderstanding stories about video games and emoji. Choose doing those stories anyway. Choose turning on the radio and wondering why the fuck you aren’t on on a Sunday morning as well. Choose sitting on that black leather chair hosting mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows (Mastermind). Choose going over time at the end of it all, pishing your last few seconds on needlessly combative questions, nothing more than an obstacle to that day’s editors being credited. Choose your future. Choose life . . .”

I'm a mole, innit.