Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. Miliband's challenge is to prove he can do without Santanomics? (Daily Telegraph)

Labour’s hopes depend on whether Ed the house-builder can also reconstruct the state, says Mary Riddell. 

2. Why does Wonga even exist? It's a question no one on the left asks (Guardian)

Reining in payday loan firms is seen as the only 'realistic' way to tackle poverty, writes Zoe Williams. It's beyond depressing.

3. Do we really want the state to run politics? (Times)

If taxpayers fund parties it won’t be long before quangoes control what politicians can say and do, writes Daniel Finkelstein. 

4. Whether or not it's Heathrow, airport expansion is just another glamorous project for the rich (Guardian)

David Cameron's Heathrow U-turn capitulated to the toughest corporate lobby of our times and its claims of what's best for 'UK plc', writes Simon Jenkins. 

5. Britain should not have a two-child policy (Times)

Tories want to cut benefits for large families but we need more children to support our ageing population, says Alice Thomson. 

What prompted the death of a man whose life was more valuable to Assad than any other foreigner’s in Syria, asks Robert Fisk. 

Stagnation has made politicians, and perhaps voters, desperate for anything that sounds like it might turn on the economic jets, says a Guardian editorial. 

8. Why Abenomics will disappoint (Financial Times)

Signs are that deflation can be beaten but hopes for faster trend economic growth are optimistic, writes Martin Wolf. 

9. The real gift to the younger generation this year would be solving the productivity puzzle (Independent)

This week highlights the financial stretch between wanting everyone to have a good time and worrying about the cost of it all, writes Hamish McRae. 

10. Cameron’s losing proposition in Europe (Financial Times)

The PM should focus on reform, not repatriation, says Charles Grant.

Getty
Show Hide image

If there’s no booze or naked women, what’s the point of being a footballer?

Peter Crouch came out with one of the wittiest football lines. When asked what he thought he would have been but for football, he replied: “A virgin.”

At a professional league ground near you, the following conversation will be taking place. After an excellent morning training session, in which the players all worked hard, and didn’t wind up the assistant coach they all hate, or cut the crotch out of the new trousers belonging to the reserve goalie, the captain or some senior player will go into the manager’s office.

“Hi, gaffer. Just thought I’d let you know that we’ve booked the Salvation Hall. They’ll leave the table-tennis tables in place, so we’ll probably have a few games, as it’s the players’ Christmas party, OK?”

“FECKING CHRISTMAS PARTY!? I TOLD YOU NO CHRISTMAS PARTIES THIS YEAR. NOT AFTER LAST YEAR. GERROUT . . .”

So the captain has to cancel the booking – which was actually at the Salvation Go Go Gentlemen’s Club on the high street, plus the Saucy Sporty Strippers, who specialise in naked table tennis.

One of the attractions for youths, when they dream of being a footballer or a pop star, is not just imagining themselves number one in the Prem or number one in the hit parade, but all the girls who’ll be clambering for them. Young, thrusting politicians have similar fantasies. Alas, it doesn’t always work out.

Today, we have all these foreign managers and foreign players coming here, not pinching our women (they’re too busy for that), but bringing foreign customs about diet and drink and no sex at half-time. Rotters, ruining the simple pleasures of our brave British lads which they’ve enjoyed for over a century.

The tabloids recently went all pious when poor old Wayne Rooney was seen standing around drinking till the early hours at the England team hotel after their win over Scotland. He’d apparently been invited to a wedding that happened to be going on there. What I can’t understand is: why join a wedding party for total strangers? Nothing more boring than someone else’s wedding. Why didn’t he stay in the bar and get smashed?

Even odder was the behaviour of two other England stars, Adam Lallana and Jordan Henderson. They made a 220-mile round trip from their hotel in Hertfordshire to visit a strip club, For Your Eyes Only, in Bournemouth. Bournemouth! Don’t they have naked women in Herts? I thought one of the points of having all these millions – and a vast office staff employed by your agent – is that anything you want gets fixed for you. Why couldn’t dancing girls have been shuttled into another hotel down the road? Or even to the lads’ own hotel, dressed as French maids?

In the years when I travelled with the Spurs team, it was quite common in provincial towns, after a Saturday game, for players to pick up girls at a local club and share them out.

Like top pop stars, top clubs have fixers who can sort out most problems, and pleasures, as well as smart solicitors and willing police superintendents to clear up the mess afterwards.

The England players had a night off, so they weren’t breaking any rules, even though they were going to play Spain 48 hours later. It sounds like off-the-cuff, spontaneous, home-made fun. In Wayne’s case, he probably thought he was doing good, being approachable, as England captain.

Quite why the other two went to Bournemouth was eventually revealed by one of the tabloids. It is Lallana’s home town. He obviously said to Jordan Henderson, “Hey Hendo, I know a cool club. They always look after me. Quick, jump into my Bentley . . .”

They spent only two hours at the club. Henderson drank water. Lallana had a beer. Don’t call that much of a night out.

In the days of Jimmy Greaves, Tony Adams, Roy Keane, or Gazza in his pomp, they’d have been paralytic. It was common for players to arrive for training still drunk, not having been to bed.

Peter Crouch, the former England player, 6ft 7in, now on the fringes at Stoke, came out with one of the wittiest football lines. When asked what he thought he would have been but for football, he replied: “A virgin.”

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 01 December 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Age of outrage