Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. The debt-ceiling doomsday device (Financial Times)

The ceiling is so dangerous because Obama could not obey it in a non-destructive way, writes Martin Wolf.

2. Britain doesn’t just need new homes, it needs whole new towns (Daily Telegraph)

Whoever looks like solving the housing crisis will probably win the next election, says Mary Riddell.

3. 'Plebgate’ threatens the reputation of the police (Daily Telegraph)

Andrew Mitchell's case must be reopened, says a Telegraph editorial.

4. Is Cameron insane? Leave foxhunting alone (Times)

The Tories should focus on the real challenges facing the countryside, including deep rural poverty, writes Alice Thomson.

5. An early EU referendum is so tempting – but Miliband must not be moved (Guardian)

Europe now poses a major dilemma for the Labour leader, writes Jackie Ashley. But to promise a referendum would result in a post-election defeat for him, and a UK exit.

6. Give a warm welcome to China, our new best friend (Independent)

The US dominance of the past century will soon be coming to an end, writes Hamish McRae.

7. Americans need to discover how the world sees them (Guardian)

There's little awareness of how the budget crisis has eroded US credibility, writes Timothy Garton Ash. It's time for a reverse Christopher Columbus.

8. Never empower people who hate freedom (Times)

Restrictions on free speech nearly always spread, becoming tools of the intolerant and the illiberal, says Daniel Finkelstein. 

9. Politics and security: a pressing need for action (Guardian)

The security services enjoy a degree of autonomy that exceeds what many MPs and ministers would judge appropriate, says a Guardian editorial.

10. Our leaders have always misled us about the EU (Independent)

Governments were intent on shielding voters from understanding how much sovereignty we had lost, writes Andreas Whittam Smith. 

Screengrab from Telegraph video
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The Telegraph’s bizarre list of 100 reasons to be happy about Brexit

“Old-fashioned light bulbs”, “crooked cucumbers”, and “new vocabulary”.

As the economy teeters on the verge of oblivion, and the Prime Minister grapples with steering the UK around a black hole of political turmoil, the Telegraph is making the best of a bad situation.

The paper has posted a video labelled “100 reasons to embrace Brexit”. Obviously the precise number is “zero”, but that didn’t stop it filling the blanks with some rather bizarre reasons, floating before the viewer to an inevitable Jerusalem soundtrack:

Cheap tennis balls

At last. Tennis balls are no longer reserved for the gilded eurocrat elite.

Keep paper licences

I can’t trust it unless I can get it wet so it disintegrates, or I can throw it in the bin by mistake, or lose it when I’m clearing out my filing cabinet. It’s only authentic that way.

New hangover cures

What?

Stronger vacuums

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to hoover up dust by inhaling close to the carpet.

Old-fashioned light bulbs

I like my electricals filled with mercury and coated in lead paint, ideally.

No more EU elections

Because the democratic aspect of the European Union was something we never obsessed over in the run-up to the referendum.

End working time directive

At last, I don’t even have to go to the trouble of opting out of over-working! I will automatically be exploited!

Drop green targets

Most people don’t have time to worry about the future of our planet. Some don’t even know where their next tennis ball will come from.

No more wind farms

Renewable energy sources, infrastructure and investment – what a bore.

Blue passports

I like my personal identification how I like my rinse.

UK passport lane

Oh good, an unadulterated queue of British tourists. Just mind the vomit, beer spillage and flakes of sunburnt skin while you wait.

No fridge red tape

Free the fridge!

Pounds and ounces

Units of measurement are definitely top of voters’ priorities. Way above the economy, health service, and even a smidgen higher than equality of tennis ball access.

Straight bananas

Wait, what kind of bananas do Brexiteers want? Didn’t they want to protect bendy ones? Either way, this is as persistent a myth as the slapstick banana skin trope.

Crooked cucumbers

I don’t understand.

Small kiwi fruits

Fair enough. They were getting a bit above their station, weren’t they.

No EU flags in UK

They are a disgusting colour and design. An eyesore everywhere you look…in the uh zero places that fly them here.

Kent champagne

To celebrate Ukip cleaning up the east coast, right?

No olive oil bans

Finally, we can put our reliable, Mediterranean weather and multiple olive groves to proper use.

No clinical trials red tape

What is there to regulate?

No Turkey EU worries

True, we don’t have to worry. Because there is NO WAY AND NEVER WAS.

No kettle restrictions

Free the kettle! All kitchen appliances’ lives matter!

Less EU X-factor

What is this?

Ditto with BGT

I really don’t get this.

New vocabulary

Mainly racist slurs, right?

Keep our UN seat

Until that in/out UN referendum, of course.

No EU human rights laws

Yeah, got a bit fed up with my human rights tbh.

Herbal remedy boost

At last, a chance to be treated with medicine that doesn’t work.

Others will follow [picture of dominos]

Hooray! The economic collapse of countries surrounding us upon whose trade and labour we rely, one by one!

Better English team

Ah, because we can replace them with more qualified players under an Australian-style points-based system, you mean?

High-powered hairdryers

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to dry my hair by yawning on it.

She would’ve wanted it [picture of Margaret Thatcher]

Well, I’m convinced.

I'm a mole, innit.