Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. Even Labour supporters don’t think that Ed Miliband’s up to it (Daily Telegraph)

The Labour leader is seen as out of his depth, and the Tories can sense a route towards general election victory in 2015, writes Fraser Nelson.

2. A Labour win is still on – if alienated Tories and Lib Dems play ball (Guardian)

Miliband has the prospect of becoming an unpopular leader, by fluke of greater conservative forces split three ways, says Polly Toynbee.

3. Merkel’s stealthy plan for the euro (Financial Times)

The German chancellor grasps that there is more to leadership than rhetoric, writes Philip Stephens.

4. Liberalism triumphs while Lib Dems sink (Times)

Nye Bevan, Roy Jenkins, Keith Joseph and Margaret Thatcher advanced liberalism more than Clegg’s party, says Philip Collins.

5. We’ve let a good financial crisis go to waste (Daily Telegraph)

The financial system remains unchanged – banks are still too big to be allowed to fail, writes Jeremy Warner.

6. Royal Mail sale is vandalism and must be stopped (Guardian)

Privatising Royal Mail will destroy a cherished institution, says Billy Hayes. Labour must commit to renationalise it.

7. So, should you have a flutter on the Royal Mail? (Daily Mail)

The government could be very disappointed if it expects a rush of retail investor interest, writes Alex Brummer. 

8. Nick Clegg can tell his party to hold their nerve (Guardian)

The Lib Dem leader never said it would be easy, but the economic crisis is being resolved, writes Menzies Campbell.

9. Meet Abdulrahim Elmi, a Somaliland Dickens hero who personifies his new nation (Independent)

Educated, successful young Somalis from the diaspora are flocking back to Somaliland to contribute, writes Peter Popham. Now the only thing the country lacks is international recognition.

10. I’m ending this scandal over children’s care (Daily Telegraph)

No longer will the quality, policies and location of care homes be kept a secret, says Michael Gove.

Screengrab from Telegraph video
Show Hide image

The Telegraph’s bizarre list of 100 reasons to be happy about Brexit

“Old-fashioned light bulbs”, “crooked cucumbers”, and “new vocabulary”.

As the economy teeters on the verge of oblivion, and the Prime Minister grapples with steering the UK around a black hole of political turmoil, the Telegraph is making the best of a bad situation.

The paper has posted a video labelled “100 reasons to embrace Brexit”. Obviously the precise number is “zero”, but that didn’t stop it filling the blanks with some rather bizarre reasons, floating before the viewer to an inevitable Jerusalem soundtrack:

Cheap tennis balls

At last. Tennis balls are no longer reserved for the gilded eurocrat elite.

Keep paper licences

I can’t trust it unless I can get it wet so it disintegrates, or I can throw it in the bin by mistake, or lose it when I’m clearing out my filing cabinet. It’s only authentic that way.

New hangover cures

What?

Stronger vacuums

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to hoover up dust by inhaling close to the carpet.

Old-fashioned light bulbs

I like my electricals filled with mercury and coated in lead paint, ideally.

No more EU elections

Because the democratic aspect of the European Union was something we never obsessed over in the run-up to the referendum.

End working time directive

At last, I don’t even have to go to the trouble of opting out of over-working! I will automatically be exploited!

Drop green targets

Most people don’t have time to worry about the future of our planet. Some don’t even know where their next tennis ball will come from.

No more wind farms

Renewable energy sources, infrastructure and investment – what a bore.

Blue passports

I like my personal identification how I like my rinse.

UK passport lane

Oh good, an unadulterated queue of British tourists. Just mind the vomit, beer spillage and flakes of sunburnt skin while you wait.

No fridge red tape

Free the fridge!

Pounds and ounces

Units of measurement are definitely top of voters’ priorities. Way above the economy, health service, and even a smidgen higher than equality of tennis ball access.

Straight bananas

Wait, what kind of bananas do Brexiteers want? Didn’t they want to protect bendy ones? Either way, this is as persistent a myth as the slapstick banana skin trope.

Crooked cucumbers

I don’t understand.

Small kiwi fruits

Fair enough. They were getting a bit above their station, weren’t they.

No EU flags in UK

They are a disgusting colour and design. An eyesore everywhere you look…in the uh zero places that fly them here.

Kent champagne

To celebrate Ukip cleaning up the east coast, right?

No olive oil bans

Finally, we can put our reliable, Mediterranean weather and multiple olive groves to proper use.

No clinical trials red tape

What is there to regulate?

No Turkey EU worries

True, we don’t have to worry. Because there is NO WAY AND NEVER WAS.

No kettle restrictions

Free the kettle! All kitchen appliances’ lives matter!

Less EU X-factor

What is this?

Ditto with BGT

I really don’t get this.

New vocabulary

Mainly racist slurs, right?

Keep our UN seat

Until that in/out UN referendum, of course.

No EU human rights laws

Yeah, got a bit fed up with my human rights tbh.

Herbal remedy boost

At last, a chance to be treated with medicine that doesn’t work.

Others will follow [picture of dominos]

Hooray! The economic collapse of countries surrounding us upon whose trade and labour we rely, one by one!

Better English team

Ah, because we can replace them with more qualified players under an Australian-style points-based system, you mean?

High-powered hairdryers

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to dry my hair by yawning on it.

She would’ve wanted it [picture of Margaret Thatcher]

Well, I’m convinced.

I'm a mole, innit.