Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. The lesson from the US: George Osborne has wasted the last three years (Guardian)

Britain's modest recovery is weak, and benefits the richest most, writes Ed Balls. We need a One Nation economic plan.

2. A Grexit begins to look more feasible (Financial Times)

For Greece to reform and not default makes sense only from Berlin’s perspective, writes Wolfgang Münchau.

3. Britain's diversity was lauded during the Olympics. But no longer (Guardian)

There's a glaring gap between the cant we heard at last summer's Games and where Britain has subsequently arrived, writes John Harris.

4. Cruel? Certainly. Unforgivable? Beyond doubt. But the Tories aren't actually evil (Independent)

It would be easy to imagine a cabal of upper-class sadomasochists, plotting ever more devious ways to hunt children on council estates like foxes, writes Owen Jones. But it misses the point.

5. The greens can’t defy gravity. They’re finished (Times)

The cash wasted on failed global warming policies would be better spent on tackling the problems faced by the poor, says Tim Montgomerie.

6. Why David Cameron's war on internet porn doesn't make sense (Guardian)

The prime minister's so-called plan for controlling access to online pornography is a breathtaking piece of political sleight-of-hand, writes Tom Meltzer. 

7. At last! The PM'S acted over online porn. I just hope he sees it through (Daily Mail)

It is startling to find a Prime Minister acting so decisively like this against a presumed liberal consensus and in defence of orderly family values, writes Melanie Phillips. 

8. Heavier sanctions on Iran could backfire (Financial Times)

The costs of economic war would outweigh strategic benefits, say Steve Hanke and Garbis Iradian.

9. If we are going to retreat, must we grovel so shamefully as we leave? (Independent)

Now we arrive in the Middle East as smiling supplicants, blessing any “people’s change” (unless it is any monarchical autocracy of the Gulf), writes Robert Fisk.

10. Forget about trying to contain Germany – we should copy it (Daily Telegraph)

The reunification of this great nation has been one of the success stories of modern times, says Boris Johnson.

Screengrab from Telegraph video
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The Telegraph’s bizarre list of 100 reasons to be happy about Brexit

“Old-fashioned light bulbs”, “crooked cucumbers”, and “new vocabulary”.

As the economy teeters on the verge of oblivion, and the Prime Minister grapples with steering the UK around a black hole of political turmoil, the Telegraph is making the best of a bad situation.

The paper has posted a video labelled “100 reasons to embrace Brexit”. Obviously the precise number is “zero”, but that didn’t stop it filling the blanks with some rather bizarre reasons, floating before the viewer to an inevitable Jerusalem soundtrack:

Cheap tennis balls

At last. Tennis balls are no longer reserved for the gilded eurocrat elite.

Keep paper licences

I can’t trust it unless I can get it wet so it disintegrates, or I can throw it in the bin by mistake, or lose it when I’m clearing out my filing cabinet. It’s only authentic that way.

New hangover cures

What?

Stronger vacuums

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to hoover up dust by inhaling close to the carpet.

Old-fashioned light bulbs

I like my electricals filled with mercury and coated in lead paint, ideally.

No more EU elections

Because the democratic aspect of the European Union was something we never obsessed over in the run-up to the referendum.

End working time directive

At last, I don’t even have to go to the trouble of opting out of over-working! I will automatically be exploited!

Drop green targets

Most people don’t have time to worry about the future of our planet. Some don’t even know where their next tennis ball will come from.

No more wind farms

Renewable energy sources, infrastructure and investment – what a bore.

Blue passports

I like my personal identification how I like my rinse.

UK passport lane

Oh good, an unadulterated queue of British tourists. Just mind the vomit, beer spillage and flakes of sunburnt skin while you wait.

No fridge red tape

Free the fridge!

Pounds and ounces

Units of measurement are definitely top of voters’ priorities. Way above the economy, health service, and even a smidgen higher than equality of tennis ball access.

Straight bananas

Wait, what kind of bananas do Brexiteers want? Didn’t they want to protect bendy ones? Either way, this is as persistent a myth as the slapstick banana skin trope.

Crooked cucumbers

I don’t understand.

Small kiwi fruits

Fair enough. They were getting a bit above their station, weren’t they.

No EU flags in UK

They are a disgusting colour and design. An eyesore everywhere you look…in the uh zero places that fly them here.

Kent champagne

To celebrate Ukip cleaning up the east coast, right?

No olive oil bans

Finally, we can put our reliable, Mediterranean weather and multiple olive groves to proper use.

No clinical trials red tape

What is there to regulate?

No Turkey EU worries

True, we don’t have to worry. Because there is NO WAY AND NEVER WAS.

No kettle restrictions

Free the kettle! All kitchen appliances’ lives matter!

Less EU X-factor

What is this?

Ditto with BGT

I really don’t get this.

New vocabulary

Mainly racist slurs, right?

Keep our UN seat

Until that in/out UN referendum, of course.

No EU human rights laws

Yeah, got a bit fed up with my human rights tbh.

Herbal remedy boost

At last, a chance to be treated with medicine that doesn’t work.

Others will follow [picture of dominos]

Hooray! The economic collapse of countries surrounding us upon whose trade and labour we rely, one by one!

Better English team

Ah, because we can replace them with more qualified players under an Australian-style points-based system, you mean?

High-powered hairdryers

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to dry my hair by yawning on it.

She would’ve wanted it [picture of Margaret Thatcher]

Well, I’m convinced.

I'm a mole, innit.