Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. How Labour can fire a missile the Tories’ way (Daily Telegraph)

A promise to scale back Trident would show Ed Miliband is serious about deficit reduction, writes Mary Riddell.

2. Ignore their howls of protest. If bankers leave the country, it would be no loss (Guardian)

They took home unheard of sums, writes Simon Jenkins. Only in Britain do ministers dance to their tune. But public fury cannot be defied for ever.

3. The risky task of relaunching Japan (Financial Times)

The question is whether inflation can be achieved and managed, writes Martin Wolf.

4. Tories sick of the Prime Minister reckon May Day is fast approaching (Independent)

There is something weirdly appealing about the Home Secretary's transition from tortoise to hare, says Matthew Norman. 

5. End of Chávismo spells woe for Castros (Financial Times)

The support Cuba received from Venezuela kept the regime afloat, says William Dobson.

6. Women are now to the left of men. It's a historic shift (Guardian)

Austerity has set female voters against Cameron, but that's only part of a global change shaping the politics of the future, says Seumas Milne.

7. Justice will not be done unless Sir David quits (Daily Telegraph)

Sir David Nicholson was 'absolutely' part of the culture at Stafford Hospital that led to hundreds of patient deaths, says a Telegraph editorial.

8. Honey, I don’t know how to bring up the kids (Times) (£)

Whether you’re a strict parent or a liberal one, it’s all a bit of a guess, writes Daniel Finkelstein. There’s no real evidence to say what works.

9. Atheist Clegg gets an A-plus for hypocrisy (Daily Mail)

By sending his son to the London Oratory School, Nick Clegg is merely following in the footsteps of the biggest hypocrite of them all, Tony Blair, says Sandra Parsons.

10. EU migration: taking the Ukip road (Guardian)

All political parties need credible immigration policies, says a Guardian editorial. But a blundering bidding war is not the route to credibility.

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An alternative Trainspotting script for John Humphrys’ Radio 4 “Choose Life” tribute

Born chippy.

Your mole often has Radio 4’s Today programme babbling away comfortingly in the background while emerging blinking from the burrow. So imagine its horror this morning, when the BBC decided to sully this listening experience with John Humphrys doing the “Choose Life” monologue from Trainspotting.

“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got Radio 4?” he concluded, as a nation cringed.

Introduced as someone who has “taken issue with modernity”, Humphrys launched into the film character Renton’s iconic rant against the banality of modern life.

But Humphrys’ role as in-studio curmudgeon is neither endearing nor amusing to this mole. Often tasked with stories about modern technology and digital culture by supposedly mischievous editors, Humphrys sounds increasingly cranky and ill-informed. It doesn’t exactly make for enlightening interviews. So your mole has tampered with the script. Here’s what he should have said:

“Choose life. Choose a job and then never retire, ever. Choose a career defined by growling and scoffing. Choose crashing the pips three mornings out of five. Choose a fucking long contract. Choose interrupting your co-hosts, politicians, religious leaders and children. Choose sitting across the desk from Justin Webb at 7.20 wondering what you’re doing with your life. Choose confusion about why Thought for the Day is still a thing. Choose hogging political interviews. Choose anxiety about whether Jim Naughtie’s departure means there’s dwindling demand for grouchy old men on flagship political radio shows. Choose a staunch commitment to misunderstanding stories about video games and emoji. Choose doing those stories anyway. Choose turning on the radio and wondering why the fuck you aren’t on on a Sunday morning as well. Choose sitting on that black leather chair hosting mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows (Mastermind). Choose going over time at the end of it all, pishing your last few seconds on needlessly combative questions, nothing more than an obstacle to that day’s editors being credited. Choose your future. Choose life . . .”

I'm a mole, innit.